Can’t Stop the Music

•July 2, 2019 • Leave a Comment

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Release date: June 20, 1980
Running time: 124 minutes

B Movie Brigade rating: bc74b7f3-0ac8-426b-9a1a-4a1f9c650db2-7419-000004205be66117 bc74b7f3-0ac8-426b-9a1a-4a1f9c650db2-7419-000004205be66117bc74b7f3-0ac8-426b-9a1a-4a1f9c650db2-7419-000004205be66117bc74b7f3-0ac8-426b-9a1a-4a1f9c650db2-7419-000004205be66117 Cream of the crop of bad movies

I didn’t expect to come out of a movie theatre horny for Steve Guttenberg, but then I went to see Can’t Stop The Music to close out Pride Month and well now here we are. What is Can’t Stop the Music, you ask? The 70’s gave us disco, and then the universe saw fit to give us a pseudo-biography of The Village People. Starring Steve Guttenberg, Valerie Perrine, Caitlyn Jenner and of course, The Village People. It was directed by actress Nancy Walker. She was Rhoda’s mom on The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Rhoda. She would not direct again.

Who you’ll see: 

Jack Morrell(Steve Guttenberg): Goofy, dentist school avoiding wannabe songwriter. Roller skating enthusiast. 

Samantha(Valerie Perrine): Retired Model. Happy to be eating finally. Collector of people from the village.

Ron White(Caitlyn Jenner): Lawyer. Prude. Rube. Instant love interest for Samantha.

LuLu(Marilyn Sokol): Friend, outfit maker, hornball.

Steve Waits(Paul Sand): Record exec, and ex to Samantha. Has a phone answering fetish.

Ray Simpson: Village person. Cop who likes to sing.

David Hodo: Village person. Construction worker who likes to sing. Gets a lot of screen time. Fantasizes about being a model that is chased by very severe women.

Randy Jones. Village person. Cowboy who likes to sing.

Glenn Hughes: Village person. Leatherman who sings/gets nervous. Hot toll booth worker.

Alex Briley: Village person. G.I. who sings.

Felipe Rose: Village person. Indian who likes to sing. Breaks into people’s apartments to sit around looking hot.

What the hell is going on:

Jack Morell wants more from life than dentist school or being a schelppy salesman at a record store. He’s all set to have his big break with a guest dj set at a discotheque. First, though, he has to stick it to his boss who apparently hates young people. Next on the agenda? Dancing and singing his way through NYC on roller skates. Now it’s time to fight for his dreams! First he has to convince his roommate the retired model to stop eating everything and watering a million houseplants long enough to support him at the disco. Eventually they all head out, and we get a hot scene of Samantha at “play” being passed around on the dance floor. Samantha is sufficiently blown away by his talents. (It might be that she’s just horned up from the sexy dance floor sequence; after all her hair did get pulled down-a surefire sign of ensuing hotness.) She agrees to use her connects to get him a chance at success! First they need a demo and enter the first of the easily beaten obstacles. They need singers! Cheap ones! What’s a retired super model to do? Eat an ice cream cone (one that miraculously refills and sometimes changes flavors) while trolling the village for singers. Duh! Samantha knows and recruits a lot of guys who can sing and like to dress in costume. She quickly convinces the Daisy Duke-loving, Indian headdress-wearing Felipe and others. The one that stands out is the construction worker David, a model who’s in costume for a photo shoot. He clearly likes the outfit though. As she tries to convince him, he gets his own musical number! He sings “I Love You to Death” and is seduced, harassed and groped by some very serious women wearing fancy gowns.

They got themselves some singers so it’s time to head back to Samantha’s for some lasagna and demo making! Here’s a little known fact: The Beatles were struggling to create Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band until they took a break to eat some lasagna. Here we get to see LuLu be horny and handsy. All sorts of people drop in for no real reason. Uptight Ron comes in bearing a cake from Samantha’s sister. Her old boss tumbles in while trying to spy on the group. Even Jack’s mom finds her way over, and eventually they get to singing and dancing. Everyone is happy and feels the magic. Well, except good old fashioned Ron. He judges and rushes off to save himself from all the weirdness and freeness. Oh no!

Don’t worry, spirits are still high and Samantha makes a trip to see her ex, who can’t keep himself off the phone. This was a bit throughout the movie, and it amused me to no end. The meeting doesn’t go too well, and a defiant Samantha names herself the manager of this still unnamed group. Who should she run into? Everyone’s favorite goody goody lawyer Ron! He’s had time to feel that magic, to become smitten and realize he’d like to try some of Sam’s lasagna. After a day of hanging out they head back to her place where the leftover lasagna is spilled on Ron’s pants. Uh oh, better take them off. Who knew an Italian dish could be such a great wingman? One thing leads to another including a dentist chair and a stuck dress. And then passionate lovemaking. I mean, probably; we don’t see it. 

Anyway, it was decided they don’t have enough costumed people. There needs to be an audition. Ron selflessly offers his fancy lawyer office to hold them. What could go wrong? Colorful characters show up including our beloved G.I. and Leatherman. It only took half the movie to get these two! Ron’s boss is not happy with his choice of uh clientele, and so Ron quits.

Don’t try this at home, kids!

We’ve got all the moving parts; now we just need a reason to sing YMCA! Oh hey, that’s where they can rehearse since Ron’s office is out. The camp really ramps up here, but so does the sexy. There’s a montage of men enjoying themselves using the amenities of the Y. Soaping up and splashing in pools ensues. Don’t worry, it’s still straight cus here are some bits of Valerie Perrine’s boobs. Now they’re ready to sing and dance for the ever busy record exec. It does not go well. Here’s one of those obstacles again. They need money. Oh no!

Oh wait, Sam will just take that ad job for milk her former boss has been pushing on her. Yes, milk. It’ll be a perfect way to get some exposure for the Village People! They film a commercial singing “Milkshake!” Clad in white (duh!) they entreat you to “Do the shake. Do the milkshake!” I guess the Milk council didn’t find it to their liking.

Come on, why can’t milk be sexy!  

Sam and the boys were just too ahead of their time. They find themselves without a record contract and/or milk money. Ron’s mom quickly steps in because she’s doing a fundraiser in San Francisco; there they can shake their milk makers, and have the world fall in love with them. Samantha sets up a meeting with her ex once again using his horniness against him. Ron overhears, and we get another contrived fight teasing a split. Prudes gonna prude, I guess.

Here comes the big night and we get one of the best moments of the movie. Leatherman runs off and nervously exclaims “Leathermen don’t get nervous.” Let me tell you, we needed more of Leatherman. Record contracts, proposals, and horniness all happen. They of course sing Can’t Stop The Music.

Yay!

This movie won many Razzies including the first golden razzie for worst picture. It is not a good movie by any stretch, but holy lasagna, is it a good time! The acting is equal parts over the top and just there. Who knew the Village People would be better at singing and dancing than acting? Camp abounds. There is never really any conflicts or actual villains. Maybe the biggest flaw or head scratcher is how gayness is addressed, or rather not. The movie is pretty flamboyant, and of course the Village People are in it, but there is not a real gay character or reference in it. All in all, it’s a fun time. Grab some lasagna, a few friends and get ready for a campy, dopey movie that should make you smile. 

What to see:

Pre-transition Caitlyn Jenner in a crop top and short shorts.

Young Steve Guttenberg in TIGHT white pants.

The amazing moment of a nervous leatherman pounding the wall saying “Leathermen don’t get nervous.”

 

What to hear:

“The Indian is hot! I go for exotic types, particularly when they’re half-naked! You tell him I’ll make up for all the indignities they suffered in Roots!,” said by the prototypical horny/smutty friend. I’ll just leave that line of dialogue there for you to absorb and move on.

“Leathermen don’t get nervous.”

“You don’t know Black Irish when you see it?”

 

What we learned:

Leathermen do get nervous despite their protests.

Best way to get over quitting your low paying job: a disco roller skating through NYC montage.

To record a demo tape you need to have choreographed dance moves.

Steve Guttenberg looks REALLY impressive in tight jeans. (My wife turned to me and said “Did we just see Steve Guttenberg’s schlong?”)

If you know someone moving to the state your sister lives in, make sure they find her and bring her a cake.

In NYC, don’t help any old ladies who get hit by a guy on a moped.

Having a dentist chair in your apartment will improve the chances of sexy time but 85%

Lasagna helps you sing and dance better.

Milk can be sexy.

Skin: B+

Some half dressed Village People. A playful YMCA montage that includes hot dudes soaping up and snapping towels. Some boobage from Valerie Perrine. Opening sequence of busty roller skaters. Who can forget the star of the movie? A clear outline of Steve’s “Guttenberg?”

Monday’s Maniac: Walter Paisley

•October 23, 2017 • Leave a Comment

You know who doesn’t get enough love? Movie maniacs that’s who doesn’t get enough love. For some of them not getting enough love as a child is what the problem is. Okay and maybe for others it was too much love as kid. That is just the sort of statement that would probably set them off. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? Today’s Maniac is brought to you by A Bucket of Blood

Back story: Walter wants to noticed. He wants game and fortune as an artist. He doesn’t necessarily want to kill people or just sort of happens. Why not just cover them in clay?

Occupation: Busboy/sculptor

Appearance(s): 1
General target: People who: bully him, ignore him, spurn his advances, confuse him and cats who get stuck in walls.
Kills: 4
Outfit: mostly black
Weapons: Knife, pan, scarf

What a way to die: death by frozen face

•June 8, 2016 • Leave a Comment

You know what sucks? Dying. You know what sucks even more? Dying in some
sort of horrible or boring way. Anyone can be stabbed or shot or slip on
some ice. Knowing some maniac went out of his way to give you some silly,
outrageous or creative death should give you at least some comfort, right?

Plus, try to think of it from the killer’s perspective you try your best to
be creative and fun, but all anyone wants to do is kill you. Where’s the
justification in that? I mean you’re an artist after all. That is why we here
started ‘What a way to die.’ This week’s What a Way to Die is brought to you by
the movie Jason X

You know what’s cool? Being in the future is pretty cool. You know what else is cool? Space and being in space seems pretty cool. What isn’t cool? Having your face frozen by liquid nitrogen and then smashed to bits probably isn’t. Well actually….

 

You can help the Brigade pick what movie we watch next. The options are Night of the comet, The revenge of Doctor X and Theodore Rex. Tell us here or head over to our twitter page and take the poll.

 

 

 

Haiku Review: Krampus

•December 21, 2015 • Leave a Comment

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Some Christmas horror.
Krampus gets time on the big screen.
Fine, but watch Gremlins.

Monday’s Maniac: Statue of Liberty head

•September 15, 2014 • Leave a Comment

You know who doesn’t get enough love? Movie maniacs that’s who doesn’t get enough love. For some of them not getting enough love as a child is what the problem is. Okay and maybe for others it was too much love as kid. That is just the sort of statement that would probably set them off. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? Today’s Maniac is brought to you by Sharknado 2: The Second One.

libertyhead

Back story: Lady Liberty loses her head—literally. Sharknadoes are wreaking havoc all over New York and now the statue of liberty’s head is on a rampage.

Occupation: National Monument
Appearance(s): 1
General target: Garbage men, guys from Shark Tank, everyone.
Kills: 2
Outfit: Copper, steel
Weapons: Herself

Monday’s Maniac: Hoax

•May 5, 2014 • Leave a Comment

You know who doesn’t get enough love? Movie maniacs that’s who doesn’t get enough love. For some of them not getting enough love as a child is what the problem is. Okay and maybe for others it was too much love as kid. That is just the sort of statement that would probably set them off. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? Today we bring you Hoax from 976-EVIL.

hoax

Back story: Hoax is the polar opposite of his “cool” cousin. He lives with his overbearing and way religious momma. He gets bullied at school until one day he finds a hotline to the Satan himself. Soon he’s more demon than nerdy—okay he’s still pretty nerdy. Finally he can take revenge on everyone! His name is hoax of course he was going to become a demon killer. He might also hate poker.

Occupation: High school student
Appearance(s): 1
General target: Bullies, teachers, relatives, girls who thought he was different.
Kills: 4+
Outfit: General nerd garb, sunglasses
Weapons: Demon hands, various everyday objects.

what a way to die: death by umbrella

•December 18, 2013 • 1 Comment

You know what sucks? Dying. You know what sucks even more? Dying in some sort of horrible or boring way. I mean anyone can be stabbed or shot or slip on some ice. Knowing some maniac went out of his way to give you some silly, outrageous or creative death should give you at least some comfort, right?

Plus try to think of it from the killer’s perspective you try your best to be creative and fun, but all anyone wants to do is kill you. Where’s the justification in that? I mean you’re an artist after all. That is why we here at the Brigade started ‘What a way to die.’

This week’s what a way to die is brought to you by the Christmas tale Hard Silent Night, Deadly Night 2. It’s death by an umbrella. You’re just walking along minding your business (maybe being naughty) and then you run into a guy. Next thing you know he’s holding you against the wall and shoving an umbrella through you. Does he open it? You betcha! To make matters worse it starts to rain.