What the Hell Were You Thinking?! – Cry or Run, the Choice is Yours
This weeks What the Hell Were You Thinking?! is brought to you by Class Reunion Massacre or it’s other name The Redeemer: Son of Satan!
For those unaware of this B movie… I’d like to say gem but I don’t think I can quite manage to get that sentiment out while speaking about Class Reunion Massacre, it’s about a group of ex-classmates who are invited back to their class reunion only to discover they’ve been invited back to a weekend filled with murder and vengeance. It really seems as if this film should be about the bullied kid getting his revenge upon the group that wronged him, but instead it’s a clusterfuck of randomness that never really makes sense, even in the end. But, this group (who don’t really all appear to have been friends all those years ago) arrive at this old abandoned school, discover that they were the only ones invited to this shindig, and instead of being weirded out and leaving they decide to sit down and partake of the meal spread out before them. We never learn much about any of these characters but it becomes clear that they are all sinners. One man neglects his wife and kids, one woman sleeps around, another shoots fowl in what appears to be her backyard, one guy’s clearly a womanizer, and one women is even a (*GASP*) lesbian. Pretty soon they’re being picked off one by one by a priest in a clown mask who’s been given his task by the apparent son of Satan (as noted by the completely random double thumb that’s passed from the Anti-Christ to the “Redeemer” and then back to the spawn again at the end).
The scene in question involves Jane, the wealthy huntress, and Kirsten, the lesbian. It seems as if the Kirsten is having fun cozying up to Jane throughout the majority of the film, despite the fact that we know she’s a lesbian because she left her apparent girlfriend at home. But Jane and Kirsten are getting pretty close, so it’s not a surprise when they team up to try and get away from the maniacal killer who’s hunting them down and spreading ketchup on their chests… I mean stabbing them in the heart. Everything appears to be working out alright, until Jane has to use the bathroom and enters the ladies. The door immediately slams shut and it’s revealed that the killer is lying in wait! Kirsten tries to open the door but it’s clearly locked from the inside. It’s pretty clear that the killer’s got Jane in his grips, from the screaming and noises emitted as he attempts to drown her in the sink. But Kirsten doesn’t run for help. She doesn’t even grab something to try and ram the door down. Instead she sinks to the ground screaming, crying, and pounding on the door with snot running down her face waiting for the killer to finish with her friend and start in on her. Perhaps she realizes that there’s no point in life if Jane isn’t around anymore. But that’s a little lame.
There’s one rule in horror movies that the characters should probably follow if they want to stay alive. Well, there’s dozens of rules, not being a dumb ass being foremost, but the cardinal rule involves running. Seriously. Just run, and at least when you’re being gutted by a zany priest with a deformed hand you’ll at least know you tried. Sadly for Kirsten, she did not take this age old advice.