Santa Claus Conquers the Martians review

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Title: Santa Claus conquers the Martians
Director: Nicholas Webster
Writer: Paul L. Jacobson, Glenville Mareth
Stars: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck and Pia Zadora
Tagline: Santa brings Christmas fun to Mars!

My Rating:

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Give it a watch if you have nothing better to do. Ratings key is here.

Santa Claus can’t conquer the spoilers that are below.

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Who you’ll see:

Betty and Billy: Abducted by Martians to help kidnap Santa.
Santa: The jolly fat man himself.
Kimar – Leader of the Martians.
Dropo: Bumbling assistant who can’t stop laughing.
Bomar: Martian child, sad sack.
Girmar : Martian child. Sad sack and amazingly Pia Zadora!
Momar – Kimar’s wife.
Torg – An unstoppable robot that Santa turns into a toy.
Chochem – 800 year old Martian. He likes smoke.
Voldar – Evil Martian. Likes: Destroying cities and moustaches. Dislikes: Children being happy, old people and pretty much everything.

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Things you need to see:

Is that Saturn in the background? 13:00
That really came out like a community fart. 16:40
There are spaceships we better scramble some B-52’s: 19:00
Always best to give your prisoners a tour of your ship: 25:00
“Polar bear” 33:00
Torg the unstoppable! 35:00
They sure move a lot for being statues. 37:00
He threatens and then runs off and they don’t seem worried at all. 44:00
Voldar’s face says it all. 50:00
When did this become a Three Stooges movie? 1:03:00
Thank you captain obvious. 1:05:00
Santa laughs in the face of danger. 1:14:00

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What to listen for:

“It is the middle of Septober.”
”And Mrs. Santa Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians.”
“But we are going to forget about the testing and go after those Martian monkeys.”
“We need a Santa Claus on Mars.”
“I’m not tired but my finger is.”
“Earth has had Santa for too long.”
“Nobody on earth will know Martians kidnapped Santa Claus.”
“You won’t get away with this you…you MARTIAN.”

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What Santa Claus conquers the Martians taught us:

Snow doesn’t melt.
Santa long ago lost his mind.
Tender loving care doesn’t exist on Mars.
On mars you can still have hamburgers, mashed potatoes and buttered asparagus.
It’s okay to use “sleep spray” on your children.
When someone is really against a space mission it is best to bring him with you.
Radar is best used in a box.
Paper towel tubes can be used for radar.
Best way to prove you mean no harm is to stick death rays in their face.
Snow doesn’t stick to Martians.
Santa Claus always wears the same clothes.
It is best to have a duct in an airlock.
Santa always wanted to visit mars.
Santa is the worst standup comedian ever.
The Christmas spirit will get you killed.
Martian prison cells look exactly like Earth ones.
It’s always nice to share a big chuckle with your captors.
Martians are humans’ dirtier cousins.
Nuclear curtains are safe.

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What the hell is going on:

Kimar the leader of Mars and his wife Momar are troubled. It seems their children are a couple of sad sacks. The kids have no appetite for food pills or even sleeping. It’s gotten so bad that Kimar has to use the “sleeping spray” to put his kids to bed. Wait what? This is the case with children all over Mars. Kimar calls the Martian leadership council together for a meeting with the 800 year old Chochem. Voldar ever the heel complains the whole time. Chochem tells them that what they need is their own Santa Claus. Actually he says they need THE Santa Claus. Despite Voldar’s protest (this will become a theme) they form a raiding party to kidnap Santa Claus.

Once on earth they are confused to see there is more than one Santa Claus. The Martians venture out and stumble across Betty and Billy as the pair lounges about. The two earth children school them on Santa Claus. How are Billy and Betty repaid for their information? They are kidnapped of course. Dropo (who snuck on board) decides to give the children a tour of the space ship. He has them hide in the ships radar box and here they over hear the plan to kidnap Santa. The children escape into the cold of the North Pole. The Martians discover they’ve escaped and go off to find them. They release Torg an unstoppable robot in search of them. The children are soon attacked by a man dressed as a polar bear, err I mean a Polar bear. Eventually Torg captures them and Voldar orders him to crush them. This is stopped by Kimar and after some more bickering they all head off to find Santa’s workshop. How the children didn’t freeze to death is beyond me.

Santa’s workshop is apparently easy to find (just look for the big sign). Kimar sends in the unstoppable Torg to capture Santa, but Santa turns the robot into a giant toy. The raiding party bursts in and uses their freeze rays on the elves. Santa is taken off but not before Mrs. Claus, who is a complete nag, is also frozen still. Santa spends the ride back to Mars cracking bad joke after bad joke. He doesn’t even seem to mind that Voldar tried to shoot them out the airlock. Here Voldar and Kimar come to blows and Voldar is taken prisoner. When they return to the planet Voldar escapes and Santa is put to work making toys for the Martian children. They build him a workshop and a machine that will make the toys; all he has to do is push a button.

Voldar has been hiding out in a cave bidding his time with a couple other turn coats. The trio breaks into the workshop and sabotages the toy machine. This causes chaos when dolls come out with bear heads and vice versa. Meanwhile Dropo, who dressed up in Santa’s extra outfit, has been captured by the bad guys. They somehow don’t recognize that he is in fact a Martian. Bolstered by thinking they have jolly St. Nick Voldar marches to the workshop. Here he is captured by Voldar but manages to escape once again. He plans to kill the real Santa but Santa hatches a plan with the children. It involves attacking the ray gun wielding Voldar with toys and bubbles. This somehow works and soon they realize they must send Santa and the children back to earth.

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~ by ClevelandPoet on December 24, 2011.

One Response to “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians review”

  1. That polar bear always kills me. A person in a sweater with a polar bear on it would have been more convincing!

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