Prison of the dead review

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Director: Dave DeCoteau (As Victoria Sloan)
Writer: Matthew Jason Walsh
Rated: R
Stars: Patrick Flood, Jeff Peterson, Sam Page, Kim Ryan
Copyright: 2000 Full Moon
Tagline: There’s no parole…in HELL!

My Rating:

Photobucket Will more than likely cause head trauma.

Check out what the ratings mean here.

(We dropped the spoiler soap.)

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Who you’ll see

Kristof: Eccentric richest of them all.
Bill: Football player, hater of rich people. Gets possessed than killed.
Calvin: Dead friend. Bad joke maker. Gets possessed than killed.
Allie: The Blonde one. Gets possessed than killed.
Cat: With Bill for some reason. Gets possessed than killed.
Jeff: Skinny nerd with Bill. Gets possessed than killed.
Rory: The wussy one. Has sex gets possessed than killed.
Michele: The brunette. Has sex gets possessed than killed.

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What we learned

Your rich friend is never telling the truth about an old friend’s funeral.
Best place for a funeral home is in an old prison.
The best people to bring to screw with/beat up a rich guy are a nerd and a chick.
Best place to “shoot the shit” is an old prison.
They don’t bury people very deep in New England.
Best thing to do is bury the evil guys with their weapons.
You should always threaten to beat your friends to death.
When having sex with a girl you should probably pay more attention to her than her drugs.
Always check the neck of the killers for the secret key.

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Things you need to see

I guess that’s why it’s called blood prison. –21:00.
Gratuitous fight scene 1:00:00.

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What to listen for

“I can’t remember I blame the NutraSweet.”—Allie
“See this is why I don’t do funerals.”—Rory
“I started this club to get laid.”—Calvin
“Because the coke is dry and I’m wet.”—Michele
“I’ve never had sex with a zombie before, is this going to hurt?”—Rory.

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What happens?

We start with a group of rich friends in a limo. They are on their way to a friend’s funeral and of course bickering all the way. The four friends have not seen each other in years. What brought them together? The funeral of the fifth member of the group has brought them back together. Later we will learn (be told) that the group was very much into the study of the paranormal. Nothing of which they say or do throughout makes that believable.

After a scene to show us how jaded they are and just who the richest one is (Kristoff) we arrive at a funeral home. It is apparently a funeral home built on an old New England prison. Veteran viewers of the movies makers will probably recognize it. More bickering and exposition and finally we enter for the private viewing. Why is it being held so late at night and with only them? Apparently the victim’s family doesn’t like the group. Plus Kristof’s daddy now owns the building.

It is about this point that three random “college kids” show up. One (Bill) is there to “put the rich kids in their place.” The other two (not worthy of names.) are there to tag along apparently. We get a background of Kristoff banging every coed in school (including Bill’s apparently.) It is clear that (despite the attempt at an added story) these three are simply there to increase the kills.

Meanwhile back in the castle—er—prison—er—funeral home the gang is remembering Calvin. In between sadly told memories and bickering we get the funeral home’s back story. It stands on the spot once occupied by Blood Prison. Charming no? Blood prison was a Puritan institution used for witches, heretics, and various other unsavory members of society. It is around this time that the great shocker is revealed—Calvin isn’t dead! The only death/funeral was just a ploy he came up with Kristoff to get the friends together for the first time in five years.

Enter plotline number 2 or is this 3? Kristoff leads them down into the prison itself. Down there he has it set up like it was poker room. It has a table and liquor at the ready. It turns out getting the gang back together to reminisce wasn’t the only reason for the trick. Kristoff’s dad, a tabloid publisher, is set to hold a contest revolving around the mythology of the infamous Blood Prison. What is that back story you ask? Well don’t you worry Kristoff tells us. The executioners it seems were not the best of people. They tortured and killed those who were sent there. Three of the executioners who used to work here were buried somewhere on the grounds. Not only that but one of them has the “Talon Key”, a mysterious key supposed to open a cursed cell in the prison. Kristoff’s has a chip on his shoulder because his father doesn’t believe in the paranormal. So he sets out to put his father in his place by helping his friends find the key.

His friends are skeptical and then he pulls out an Ouija board. They aren’t exactly gung ho about this plan, but reluctantly (and after more bickering) agree. The only one who seems to care about the paranormal anymore is Kristoff. The group does not take the attempt to contact the “spirits” of the prison seriously. Suddenly Allie begins talking in tongues and they stop. She passes out and nobody in the group believes Kristoff’s concern for her.

Their dabbling with the occult has given the witches spirits an opening to escape. The three executioners are not happy with this and slowly begin to rise. All three of them are apparently only buried a foot or so underground. They plod angrily along the prison.

As the group argues (what a concept) Calvin sees something (or someone) running past a window. It turns out to be one of the nameless intruders. Bill is furious when told that he may have been seen and sends him to get the truck. This is only believed by Kristoff and serves to further the rift between the friends. Kristoff and Calvin go off to investigate. Kristoff pleads with them to not leave Allie alone. Michelle dips into her drug stash as Rorie continues to hit the liquor. He then asks for some of her blow, and when turned down comes on to her. He is somehow able to convince her they could maybe find a room and a bed to have sex in. She agrees and they leave Allie by her lonesome.

We are finally greeted with our first kill. It is one of the nameless. The executioners look pretty cool but are hampered by their slow plod. Another downer is the fact that every kill is preceded by one of the witches’ spirits entering someone. As soon as this happens the person freezes in place and waits as an executioner walks up and strikes them dead.

Mostly off screen.

Until they attack Kristoff there is no sense of urgency or thrill in any of the deaths. Speaking of Kristoff he after not really investigating at all decides everyone should leave and he’ll stay behind. He begs Calvin to take Allie to a doctor. He calls his driver and demands he returns. One of the lamest sex scenes takes place between Rorie (who is more concerned about Michelle’s coke) and Michelle. It includes a break in the middle so she can go pee. She is possessed by a spirit and then they have what appears to be a mostly clothed romp before he heads off to the shower. She is killed and when he returns so is he.

Allie is chained at this point by the executioners and soon Calvin is dispensed with. Kristoff is then confronted by Bill and we learn that he was only there to play a prank for you guessed it Kristoff. This reeks of explaining away a subplot they didn’t want to have to deal with anymore. I suppose it fits Kristoff’s character but by this point I really don’t care. Bill is quickly killed off and we are left with only Kristoff.

He somehow manages to last longer than any of them and runs around (and away) from the executioners. As he is his friend begin to rise from the dead. He hides from them only to be confronted by the executioners again. This is when he notices the talon key around one of their necks. Just as he is wounded (in the shoulder) by the executioner he rips the key free and heads for the cursed cell. He puts the key in and opens it. The executioners and witches alike are sucked in and he slowly leaves the prison. The driver is there and asks him how the joke went.

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~ by ClevelandPoet on April 21, 2011.

One Response to “Prison of the dead review”

  1. […] as I sat on the couch I tried to come up with what to post about. I was already posting a review of Prison of the dead for B movie […]

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