American Ninja 2 Review

Photobucket Will more than likely cause head trauma.
Photobucket Not a good movie.
Photobucket Like your first sex experience. Some good but mostly bad.
PhotobucketGive it a watch. Pretty good if you have nothing better to do.
Photobucket The cream of the crop of bad movies. Watch!

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Director: Sam Firstenberg
Writers: Gary Conway, James Booth
Stars: Michael Dudikoff, Steve James and Larry Poindexter
Rated: R
Runtime: 90 minutes
Tagline: none.

My Rating:
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(Not even ninjas will be able to avoid the spoilers ahead.)

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Who you’ll see:

Jackson: Likes to say “it’s a party!” Not a fan of wearing shirts. Army Ranger.

Sgt. McDonald: Yells constantly.

The Lion: Evil super criminal, Drug dealer. He would like an army of super ninjas.

Joe Armstrong: He is the American Ninja. Not big on talking but likes to kick people.

Toto: Kid. Will get you anything for a price.

Rest: Various Marines and bad guys.

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What we learned:

A ten minute boat ride will put everyone to sleep.

Shirts are optional.

Best way to fix a broken boat? Go for a swim.

Ninja’s like to fight with ropes. A lot.

Ninja’s yell loudly before sneak attacking.

Broken arms can heal pretty fast.

Powerful drug dealers are required to wear white suits.

There is a genetic code for ninja.

To best prove how awesome the ninjas you made are you should have a ninja you didn’t make kill like 20 of them.

When discussing ninjas you must use as many animal metaphors as possible.

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Things you need to see:

No boobs.

Where’d the dead one go: 17:55

Yeah he just caught an arrow: 21 minute

Dude was kicked through a door: 27 minute

What was she doing/did he just turn into the hulk? 38 minute

Ninja river dance: 57 minute

Bigger the hair the better the ninja: 107 minute

I think he just killed a ninja by yelling “stay down.” 118 minute

Reunited and it feels so good: 120 minute

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What to listen for:

“Ninja? What the hell are ninja?”—Wild Bill

“What is this? Ninjas, drug pushers, my men being kidnapped and murdered, this is really beginning to get on my tits.”

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What happens:

This movie has little to do with the first movie other than the stars and characters. The opening scene is of a bunch of thugs attacking a few Marines just looking to have a good time. As it turns out there are a ton of US Marines ‘becoming lost’ on a small Caribbean island. Two men Sgt. Armstrong and Sgt. Jackson (Dudikoff and James) are sent to help. Since the last movie they’ve become Army Rangers. That’s right the Army has sent men to help investigate the suspicious disappearance of Marines. What? They befriend a young boy (Toto) who hangs around the base. He tells them he saw the marines being kidnapped by men in black suits. The two exchange glances because they know ninja when they hear about ninja. It doesn’t take long for them to find themselves in trouble.

First they are double crossed by one of the Marines. When offered a seemingly innocent boat trip they agree but soon the boat “breaks” down. This is thanks to Taylor one of the Marines working for the baddies. The passengers on the boat decide the best way to fix the engine is to take a swim. Armstrong sends Jackson off with the rest of the men to keep them busy. He is suspicious and soon finds out why. He is attacked by ninjas. Not just any ninjas but ninjas who jump from between boulders and have ropes. He easily fights them off.

They return to the base and tell the man in charge Wild Bill what happened. Yes his name is really Wild Bill. He dismisses their theories quickly and gives them a week to investigate. Meanwhile Taylor is instructed to lure the snooping Army Ranger into a trap. Where? Well The Blind Beggar Bar of course, the same place the other Marines went missing from. Once there Joe of course is attacked by the thugs from the first scene. He easily dispenses with them and we can here several bones crack as he does.

He confronts Taylor who finally admits to his wrong doings. He confesses that he is working for a Drug Lord named ‘The Lion’ who has taken the Marines to Blackbird Island. As he explains they are being used in experiments there he is killed by ninjas.

Jackson and Armstrong once again meet with Wild Bill and tell him about what they’ve learned. They attend the Governors ball with Wild Bill disguised as Marines. While there a commotion breaks out as a woman attacks ‘The Lion’ and the Governor. The woman Alicia Sanborn (Michelle Botes) accuses the two of kidnapping her father. She is quickly whisked away by local thugs and Wild Bill sends are 2 heroes after her. They track the thugs who of course take her to the Blind Beggar’s Bar. A fight ensues and they escape. The group returns to the ball and picks up Wild Bill, who makes up a story as to why Armstrong and Jackson are missing.

They are once again attacked by ninjas but Armstrong single handedly takes most of them out. Toto shows up driving a truck to save the day. As they make their escape a ninja makes his way onto the truck. The 3 heroes jump out of the truck which crashes into a gas tank. The ninja dies a fiery, explosive death. Armstrong gives Toto a message (and of course payment) to deliver to Jackson and Wild Bill. Alicia and he will be going to Blackbird Island that night. As they wait for nightfall she tells him the story of her scientist dad being held hostage to make super ninjas. Unfortunately Jackson and the other Marines have to wait for the Ambassadors permission. Armstrong will be on his own for sometime.

He and Alicia reach the island safely and he takes down a couple ninjas. Donning ninja get up the two of the infiltrate the lab. As this is happening The Lion is introducing his SuperNinja program to a whole group of drug dealers and assorted baddies. They rescue her dad who informs them where the captive marines are being held. He rescues the captive marines, but of course they are caught trying to escape. The Lion sends out a group of ninjas. The other marines finally arrive and stage an attack on the base. They all wear differing uniforms and look more like a militia than the Marines. It is revealed that the governor and Inspector Singh are also part of Burke’s scheme. The governor is arrested by Wild Bill and his men while Singh’s runs off. The Professor confronts Burke and manages to destroy his SuperNinja program with a remote-control bomb, killing them both. Joe Armstrong does one final battle with a main baddie and kills him easily. The marines leave the island and celebrate. The movie ends happily as Jackson and Armstrong say goodbye to their friends as they head back to America.

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~ by ClevelandPoet on April 8, 2011.

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