What the Hell Were You Thinking?! – Uhhh… Yum?
This week’s What the Hell Were You Thinking?! is brought to you by The Gingerdead Man.
I came across this film a little bit over a week ago and was immediately amazed that I had never heard of it before. For one, it’s absolutely ridiculous. For second, there are two sequels; Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust and Gingerdead Man: Saturday Night Cleaver. Which, on their names alone, are completely brilliant. This is definitely a franchise I can get behind. Particularly because in the first movie Gingerdead Man, and his human counterpart, are played by Gary Busey.
The Gingerdead Man is primarily about a girl named Sarah. At the beginning of the film she’s innocently having a meal at a diner when the heartless robber and mass murderer Millard Findlemeyer begins to rob the place. Why he’s taken his talents to this particular breakfast serving dump is the real mystery, when he could be making a larger haul at the local band, or the Applebee’s down the street. But that’s inconsequential, this movie is all about the small businesses. Findlemeyer, along with his trusty gun, moans and complains his way through what appears to be a rather inept robbery when he discovers that the diner has three patrons, the Leigh family, minus mom. Heroically the father gets up to try and beat this menace to a pulp and promptly gets a bullet to the face. It’s the son’s turn then, trying to protect his sister he reveals himself and repeatedly (and I mean repeatedly) tells Findlemeyer to put down his gun. Findlemeyer complies, only to pull out the tiniest knife ever used in mass murder and stab the schmuck to death. Eventually it’s Sarah’s turn, but Findlemeyer keeps her alive. A mistake he learns to regret since with Sarah’s testimony he’s sentenced to the electric chair. Still, he avows that he’ll come back for her, even from beyond the grave.
We cut then to the Leigh family business, a failing bakery that’s probably going to be put out of business by the larger shop opening across the street. After the death of her husband and son, Betty Leigh (mom) has turned into a drunkard of the highest degree, her closest companions being the bottle of Jack Daniels she totes around and the shotgun she expertly uses to shoot down the sign of the competing bakery. Sarah runs the place along with Brick who calls himself the Butcher-Baker due to his passion for amateur wrestling and Wrestlepalooza. Coming along for the ride is Lorna, the daughter of the man trying to put our heroes out of business, who resents her dad’s offer of twenty thousand dollars to the Leighs for their business and comes over with a rat so that the health department will simply shut them down. Finally, Lorna’s sometimes boyfriend, Amos, who she doesn’t really like but keeps around cause she gets jealous when he flirts with other girls, and Julia, the front counter girl. The plot is furthered when Sarah makes the largest gingerbread man known to man and she has no idea that the “GingerBread Seasoning” she puts in the mix contains the ashes of Findlemeyer. And when Brick bleeds into the mix no one thinks it may be a good idea to start from scratch. Hell, it’s just a bit of iron. Clearly, and most reasonably, the gingerbread man, possessed by the spirit of Findlemeyer, comes to life as the Gingerdead Man and starts to enact his revenge.
Out of all this movie it seems as if it may be difficult to come up with one specific instance for this segment. There are a awful lot of very stupid things done, which is only appropriate for a very stupid movie, but the choice was clear. Towards the end of the film, after Sarah and her buddies have been terrorized by Gingerdead Man for quite some time Brick decides to make a reappearance. And he comes back with a vengeance, putting his Butcher Baker label to the test. I’m talking full on ninja moves. He’s pretty awesome. He gets Gingerdead Man in a choke hold and then does what any reasonable person does to a cookie. He eats it. Yes, that’s right, he eats the walking, talking, Gary Busey faced Gingerdead Man. Or rather, he eats the head off, and the hand. Presumably his knife wielding hand, as Gingerdead Man screams in fury and thick pussulated (not a word, but I’m coining it to mean ‘full of puss’) blood comes pouring out of the wound. With his mouth and chin covered in red Brick falls against the wall, belches, and delivers the line “Got milk?” Classy. But here’s my point; Brick, what the hell were you thinking?! If there’s anything or anyone that’s probably the most likely to cause you trouble after you’ve eaten it then it’s probably a cookie possessed by a serial killer. The man has already cheated death once by having his ashes included in gingerbread seasoning and baked back into life, what would cause anyone to eat that and then still be surprised when the man in question then starts to possess you? Probably the sort of person who’d eat chocolate that had fallen into a pile of dog shit and not imagine they’d get dysentery. Meaning, no one. It’s pretty sickening, yes, but beyond that it’s just stupid. Sure the possessed cookie is difficult to dispose off, sure people eat cookies, but, come on, there has to be a better way.