What The Hell Were You Thinking?!: Nosers Get What They Deserve.
This week’s What the Hell Were You Thinking?! is brought to you by House of Wax.
(cause nosing around a place where this is a car sounds like a good idea)
Again, the remake, though not really a remake and rather a different movie with the exact same name that we’ll keep considering a remake. This example may go down as one of the reasons why this blog was created in the first place. And probably should have been in the first What the Hell Where You Thinking?! except for the fact that Troll 2 was fresh in my mind, just having been subjected to it. House of Wax is one of those movies that’s both terrible and sort of decent, despite Paris Hilton having a role. In fact, most of the people I know saw the movie in the first place in order to watch Ms. Hilton die a grisly death. So perhaps she added a little. This is also the second What the Hell Were You Thinking?! Where the movie in question is not, strictly speaking, a B movie. However, both examples have many of the qualities of B movies and are based on movies that are arguably B. So, the Brigadiers have decided to allow it. Any complaints may be directed to the comment section.
House of Wax is about a group of teenagers who are either on their way to or from a football game that they all seem very intent upon. As they make their way through traffic they decide that it’s time to pull over and camp in a random field where they can drink and establish some character over a bonfire. Character establishments include; Paris Hilton is a slut and that siblings Carly (Elisha Cuthbert) and Nick (Chad Michael Murray) have a complicated relationship due to the fact that he’s some sort of delinquent and doesn’t like his sister’s boyfriend, Wade (Jared Padalecki). Or something. Suffice it to say there is tension. All is seemingly well, despite a creepy car pulling up and staring at them for awhile, until the next morning when it becomes evident that there is a foul smell coming from somewhere in the woods. At which point they think it would be an awesome idea to investigate. Turns out it’s a pile of dead animals that the local bumkin has scraped off the road and deposited in this awesome pile, which Carly promptly falls into. Of course. And, because they mysteriously need some sort of belt for their car, the local bumkin directs Carly and Wade to the nearest town. Eerily silent Ambrose, where the main event is a magnificent wax museum at the epicenter of town. Eventually, of course, the characters realize that things are not what they seem and that the curators of the museum have taken things… a bit too far, and the teenagers are trapped in a wax coated nightmare that only a B movie plot could conjure up.
But it’s with the first death of the film that we come across our column. After interrupting a funeral and being told to wait for it to be over so they can buy their fan belt, Carly and Wade amble over to the wax museum. Inside they are delighted to find intricately detailed wax figurines, and even discover that the walls and floor are constructed of wax as well. Despite the fact that the town is creepy as all hell it’s actually a pleasant visit. Especially when the guy who was going to sell them the fan belt invites them over to his house. He’s very hospitable, clearly. Everything is going great, that is until Wade decides it would be an awesome plan to nose into everyone else’s business and go behind the scenes. First rule of semi-creepy places where you’re not one hundred percent comfortable with your surroundings, get in get out. That doesn’t work for Wade, clearly; he opens doors he shouldn’t be opening and starts rifling through the personal belongings of whoever it is that’s making the wax figures. Which, well let’s face it, even at this point it’s clear the dude is at least a bit obsessive given the level of detail and likely wouldn’t take kindly to intruders. And let’s put politeness aside for the moment. Let’s just imagine Wade’s the rudest dude in town. The rooms he noses into are creepy looking. Dimly lit, with warped wood, and tools that look like rusty abortion tools from the thirties. It’s not a place you want to be. So why is he nosing about? Well I suppose it’s necessary. We do need a straight idiot to kill right off, but when he’s nabbed it’s not the least bit unexpected. Okay, perhaps it would have gotten his eventually, there are other, non-nosers, who get it throughout the film, but poking your nose where it does not belong is a surefire way of getting the chop. Or whatever method of mass murder is the flavor of the day. At least Wade’s death was creative. But watching this example of the age old nosy person who gets up in other people’s business and pays the ultimate price I just couldn’t help but come to a decision: nosers get what they deserve.