Chopping Mall Review

How the ratings work:

Photobucket Will more than likely cause head trauma.
Photobucket Not a good movie.
Photobucket Like your first sex experience. Some good but mostly bad.
PhotobucketGive it a watch. Pretty good if you have nothing better to do.
Photobucket The cream of the crop of bad movies. Watch!

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Director: Jim Wynorski
Rated: R
Runtime: 77 minutes
Writers: Steve Mitchell, Jim Wynorski
Stars: Kelli Maroney, Tony O’Dell, Russell Todd
Copyright: 1986 Trinity Pictures/Concord Pictures
Tagline: Where shopping can cost you an arm and a leg.

My rating: Photobucket

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Who you’ll see:

Protectors: Security robots turned into killbots by some lightening. They are very polite.

Leslie: Michael’s girlfriend. She finds him dead, runs around and then has her head blown up by robots.

Suzie: Greg’s girlfriend. She becomes hysterical and then get’s toasted.

Linda: Married to Rick. She loses a fight with a laser beam.

Rick: Married to Linda. He watches her die and then attacks the robot with a golf cart.

Allison: Heroine who happens to be the daughter of a Marine.

Ferdy: The nerd of the bunch. He was set up with Allison. He’s seen ‘Dirty Harry’ 24 times.

Greg: Suzie’s boyfriend. He goes nuts when he sees his girl on fire. He gets thrown off of the 2nd floor.

Michael: Leslie’s boyfriend. He’s a bad liar. He chews his gum annoyingly.

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What we learned:

Every presentation would be better if they had a movie showing a robot kill someone.

Security robots always have enough firepower to explode someone’s head.

Lightning bolts only hit malls.

Lightning bolts don’t only work on Jason Voorhees.

“Neutralizing” looks an awful lot like electrocuting.

Malls need to be protected like Fort Knox.

Robots cover up murders all the time.

Killer robots are real polite.

C4 is standard security gear.

Spiders and snakes are scarier than killer robots.

Guns don’t need to be reloaded.

Tents can break a 3 story fall without any bodily harm.

Lots of paint and paint thinner make a real big boom.

Robots can bleed.

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Things you need to see:

Scantily clad models are the best way to promote family fun. 6 minutes

Mall seeking lightening. 9 minutes

1 dead guy already. 10 minutes

Stealing food and talking to robots? 16-17 minutes

Boob shot 23 minutes

Also did that line just work? 23 minutes

Another boob shot. 29 minutes

Apparently your friend’s head exploding isn’t a cause to run. 33 minutes

Ah the old flare in the bra trick. 68 minutes

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What to listen for:

“Computer huh? Let’s go trash the fucker.”—Greg

“They know we’re in here they’re trying to French fry us.”—Suzie

“It reminds me of your mother, with their laser eyes.”—Guy in audience

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What happens:

A bunch of horny couples decided they want to throw a party in a furniture store (where they work) in the mall. They of course plan the party on the first night major security measures are to start. These security measures are hardcore to say the least. The involve thick steel doors sealing the mall off and 3 robots named “The Protectors”, who are each assigned a floor of the mall. What could go wrong? Well for one thing lightning strikes the computer controlling the robots and turns them into kill bots. First the robots kill the 2 guys in charge of them and soon turn their sights on the partiers. The teens must try to survive and fight back as one by one the robots kill them—in varying ways. Can they find a way to make it through the night? The flick sometimes takes a second viewing to truly appreciate all its sly bits and pieces. Chopping Mall is truly a fun piece of 80’s cheesy popcorn goodness.

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~ by ClevelandPoet on November 30, 2010.

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