ThanksKilling Review

How the ratings work:

Photobucket Will more than likely cause head trauma.
Photobucket Not a good movie.
Photobucket Like your first sex experience. Some good but mostly bad.
PhotobucketGive it a watch. Not too bad if you have nothing better to do.
Photobucket The cream of the crop of bad movies. Watch!

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Director: Jordan Downey
Writers: Jordan Downey, Bradly Schulz
Stars: Lindsey Anderson, General Bastard and Natasha Cordova Chuck Lamb
Copyright 2009 In Broad Daylight Films
Tagline: Gobble Gobble Motherfucker

My rating: Photobucket

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Who you’ll see:

Turkey: “Necromanced” by a powerful Indian curse. He can drive; likes to smoke have sex and eat salad. Quite the foul (fowl?) mouthed poultry. Practices safe sex.

Kristen: She is the good girl. She recycles jokes and is the only one to survive.

Ali: She is the “slut” of the group. She isn’t the brightest bulb out there. Continually throws herself at Johnny. She eventually gets her neck broken by the turkey after it sexs her up.

Darren: He is the nerd of the group. He’s ready to go wild during the break. He dies a virgin after being pecked to death by a (then) radioactive turkey. Billy is his best friend. He first tells the group the story of the evil turkey.

Billy: He is the hick of the group. His stomach does all his thinking. Early on the turkey poops on his chest. Later on he eats a floating/glowing turkey. This of course leads to his demise when the turkey pops out of his stomach.

Johnny: He is the jock. He misses tossing the pigskin around with his pops. Watches the turkey kill his dad and later on he’ll get carved up too.

Sheriff: Father of Kristen. He drank a cup of coffee with poo in it. Dresses like a turkey and eventually has his face cut off by the turkey.

Oscar the Hermit: A lonely hermit. He really loves his dog.

Naked Pilgrim: First person you see. Present on the first Thanksgiving. Her boobs are hanging out. Turkey axes her.

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What we learned:

Always use cheesy cartoons when explaining the story of an evil turkey.

Turkey’s possessed on the 1st Thanksgiving learn modern lingo quickly.

When camping in the woods it’s normal for baby bunnies to be tossed into your fire.

Evil turkey’s hate being called duck.

If you want to look like someone’s dad just rip his face off and tie it to your face.

This works even if you are a turkey.

Sheriff’s have a lot of books.

Books on evil turkeys are half written in mathematical code.

Not the best idea to eat a cooked floating/glowing cartoonish looking turkey.

Necromanced turkeys hang in teepees on the side of the road.

Always ask the evil being trying to kill you how they’re still alive.

Turkeys can drive.

There are no turkeys in heaven.

Thanksgiving break is the greatest break ever.

If you lie to your dad he will be murdered.

The best way to celebrate killing a turkey that killed your friends and family is watching Night of the living
dead.

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Things you need to see:

Busty Pilgrim! 40 seconds

Nerd rant! 8 minutes

Poop in a pot of coffee. 10 minutes

Cartoon Indian man boobs! 14 minutes

Turkey dukes. 22 minutes

Where’d the blood go? 26 minutes

You just got stuffed! 31 minutes

Turkey pops from stomach! 46 minutes

Awww we get a bromance montage. 48 minutes

Why would she eat that? 63 minutes

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What to listen for:

“Oh please Ali your legs are harder to shut than the Jean Bonet Ramsey case.”—Kristen

“I’m gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce meanie.”—Turkey

“Yeah I woke up with turkey dukes on me.”—Billy

“You kids are retarded.”—Turkey

“Now that’s what I call fowl play.”—Turkey

“I may have lost my parents but I gained a girlfriend.”—Johnny

“Trent is Trent but Johnny is Johnny.”—Johnny.

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What happens:

The first non title shot we get is of a very large breast. It belongs to Wanda Lust—a porn starlet—and the character is called “Naked Pilgrim.” We really have no explanation as to why her boobs are hanging out but you know no complaints here. The story goes…

On the first Thanksgiving an Indian wronged by one of the pilgrims curses a turkey and sends it to get his revenge. The turkey apparently rises every 505 years. This time around lassie (yes a dog named lassie) chooses and unfortunate spot to take a piss. He pees on the turkey’s amulet and thus awakens him, and then you know pees on the turkey too. After dispatching the dog he has an encounter with the its owner (Oscar the hermit) and flees.

He comes upon a group of college kids on break for Thanksgiving. They’ve apparently trespassed and must be killed, or maybe because one of their ancestors was the pilgrim who wronged feather bottom or whatever his name was. It also may be that the turkey is just out to kill all the white men. The story it stays about as straight as Mel Gibson drives.

The turkey is of course a foul mouthed smart ass that chops and stabs his way through 10 people. The main characters follow some sort of traditional stereotype. We get the jock, nerd, slut, good girl and even a hick thrown in. This evil fowl doesn’t just want to kill the kids but he takes to killing their families too, though how he knows who they are is beyond me. Did I mention the turkey has sex with one of the girls? Well yeah he does and then they throw in a tiny gravy flavored condom joke too. Eventually the turkey becomes radioactive and kills almost every character. The lone (college kid) survivor Kristen eventually manages to burn him at the stake and then eats one of his legs for some reason. We are left with a scene of a family eating a turkey that stands up as they pray and promises a sequel…maybe even one that takes place in space.

The dialogue is cheesy and the storyline is of no real consequence. There is fun to be had though. The filmmakers deem it “the ultimate low budget experience” and to be honest it pretty much is. What helps is the runtime is not too long and the gags are enjoyable enough. I struggled with the rating and eventually gave it two eyeballs but you know it could easily be given three.

Sit back watch and enjoy.

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~ by ClevelandPoet on November 26, 2010.

3 Responses to “ThanksKilling Review”

  1. I would have givin this movie 4 eyes. Its absolutely hilarious! The one-liners from the turkey are the best!

    • well it was a lovingly given 2 eyes. It really probably deserved a 3 but I went back and forth on that so it got the 2. A 2 (while jokingly a poor review) is still a basic thumbs up with me. It is a movie I’d recommend to peeps if ya got time on your hands.

  2. Let me start simple.

    The negatives of this film can be summed up with these three major cons:
    1. The premise is stupid.
    2. The premise is stupid.
    and 3. (surprise, surprise) THE PREMISE IS F*CKING STUPID!!!

    And that’s not the only thing. The writing is lame, the puns, one-liners and humor in general are as funny as a gunshot to the throat, the design of the turkey puppet is just plain laughable, the SFX make a SyFy original look like Avatar and the acting (especially from Ali) is just diabolical. But, it was obviously made that way. It’s not trying to be good. In fact, this movie knows exactly how much it sucks and wants to share that with the world and that is the secret ingredient that makes it all come together. This was an obvious parody of the average present-day horror flick and honestly, it’s entertaining.It’s kind of like Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room” or James Nguyen’s “Birdemic: Shock & Terror.” It’s a movie so bad that it has to be seen to believe.

    The positives of this film however (believe it or not, there is some positives) definitely include the scenes with the turkey. I believe that his Chucky-esque one-liners (“You just got stuffed!”; “Gobble, gobble, motherf*cker!”) and his all-around appearance make him the shining star of this crapfest and that’s not really a good thing, given that he’s a puppet. Also, the cinematography is pretty top-notch for a film with a $3,500 budget. Those are the only two pros of this movie, but honestly, it’s actually worth 66 minutes if you want to kill an hour or just give you and your stoner friends something to laugh at.

    In short, it’s worth checking out.

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