What The Hell Were You Thinking?!: Selfishness Generally Equals Dead
This week’s What the Hell Were You Thinking?! is brought to you by Piranha. Or, Piranha 3D as they’ve been toting it. Though, I didn’t see it in 3D. Suffice it to say I mean the remake of Piranha that came out in 2010.
So often in horror movies we are given the character that behaves selfishly and in return gets a big dose of dead. I think this is best exemplified by the lawyer Genaro in Jurassic Park. You know, the guy who runs out of the car, abandoning the kids, at the first sign of T-Rex and then ends up getting eaten toilet. It’s an age old role to fill and there had to be one in Piranha. It is about a bunch of mutated piranha attacking a busy lake during a very MTVish spring break, after all. This isn’t a review so I’m not going to take up all that much time recapping this breast and gore fest, but I will say that it probably had more breasts and more blood than I needed to see this year. In the beginning of the movie Richard Dreyfus is fishing in Lake Victoria when he drops an empty bottle of beer into the lake. It spirals to the bottom of the lake and opens up a massive crack in the bottom of the lake where a bunch of piranha swim out. The logistics of this, of course being absurd, are not up for question. That’s the plot. Accept it. Sadly, all the carnage could have been avoided if Richard Dreyfus learned how to not litter. After that it’s really just piranha working their way through the lake, which must be enormous, looking for food. Which is people, by the way.
The What Where You Thinking?! scene in question revolves around when the police have been shouting to get out of the water on megaphones for awhile now and the partiers don’t think that’s alarming enough to stop, well, partying. Granted, the police are a bit late in the warning, because the major or whatever apparently hadn’t seen Jaws and wanted to keep the lake open despite that old guy who washed up slightly eaten. The attack starts out small. One girl getting a few nips on the ass as she lounges in her donut shaped floaty. But pretty soon everyone who’s got an ounce of skin exposed to good old Lake Victoria is getting that ounce bitten off. Panic ensues, obviously, and while all the buxom teenagers are clamoring onto the nearest boat, dock, or floating stage one guy takes it upon himself to commandeer a boat of his own. He throws off the girl who’s already dead in it and starts driving it away from danger, and right through a group of panicking people. I think the majority of the population have seen pictures of enough mutilated manatees to know what happens when someone drives a boat, with a motor, over a bunch of living objects. As if the piranha weren’t bad enough, now they have to deal with Unnamed Jackass cutting off their limbs with his boat But eventually they get their retribution, as they most certainly always do. The boat’s motor gets caught in a girl’s hair, stopping it. Jackass, ignoring the girl screaming cause her hair is stuck in a freaking motor, continues to try and turn it on. After about ten pulls the motor screams back to life, ripping the girl’s hair out (along with her face and scalp… I was betting her head would just get chopped by the motor but whatever you want, Aja, whatever you want). Sadly for Jackass, it’s too late. Too many people have circled his boat and, trying to save themselves, climb on. It’s tiny boat, it can’t handle it. So the inevitable occurs, the boat is swamped and Jackass falls into the water just in time for a group of piranha to find a snack. Piranha: 462, Selfish Jackass: 0.