What The Hell Were You Thinking?!: Found Meat is Always Good Meat
This week’s What the Hell Were You Thinking?! is brought to you by Wrong Turn 2: Dead End,
the straight to video sequel to the mildly successful Wrong Turn. The first film stars Eliza Dushku and is about a group of friends driving to a weekend away in the mountains of West Virgina when their tires are blown out by barbed wire in the roadway. They are quickly joined by a man on a business trip who slams his car into theirs after his tires also bust. Pretty soon they are all hunted down my inbred cannibalistic mountain men who are so hungry for a nip on Eliza’s supple thighs that they chase them throughout the wilderness.
Part two involves a survival reality television show in the wilderness of West Virginia, you know where those kids disappeared a few years ago? A group of vastly different individuals, both contestants and crew (including an absolutely hilarious Henry Rollins in camouflage face paint), trek out into the woods trying to make a buck. Most of the contestants appear to be nobodies but there is a burgeoning starlet and she is part of this weeks segment.
The film opens with Kimberly, said starlet, who’s not done much of note but is really attempting to up her ante because all through her drive in the backwoods she still manages to find a weak signal on her cell phone so that she can scream incandescently into the receiver at her agent who couldn’t do any better than get her this shitty reality show that involves camping. Since this is the opening of the film and she is rather shriek-y we can only imagine that what happens to her isn’t good. But since it’s the nature of this segment and because B movies are made for spoiling I’ll go ahead and let you know that she gets cut in half. Literally, in half. Because it’s remarkably easy to chop people in two in movies. One swift blow between the legs and her head explodes on the other end, dropping guts onto the pavement.
Kimberly is the requisite opening kill, just so the audience understands that there is, indeed, danger. People are going to die, and they are going to die at the hands of maniacally laughing deformed mountain men. This opening kill always happens, and often times it doesn’t have anything to do with anything else and really makes absolutely no sense. However, in Wrong Turn 2 this opening kill leads directly to our What The Hell Were You Thinking?! Later on, once we’ve established the contestants of the reality show they are given a challenge; they must find something to eat for the night. The majority of them dutifully go off to skinny dip in the river and have unprotected sex on the ground, but Jonesy seems to be taking the challenge seriously. The fact that he’s a lazy ass is completely arbitrary. He’s clearly the one they always get on reality shows that everyone hates because he’s a jerk and lazy and has pretty much no redeeming qualities except for the fact that a bunch of idiotic teenagers probably like his abs and make groups about how awesome he is on Facebook. Except I don’t think this guy’s physique was all that impressive. Anyway, that’s besides the point, because while on his challenge he comes across something delightful. A giant hunk of roasting meat over a barbecue spit He looks both ways, realizes that whoever left their barbecue roasting on a spit in the middle of the woods is nowhere near and decides he’s found dinner. Really now? Who exactly is hiking in the woods , comes across some mystery meat, and instead of hightailing it away from whoever is cooking a gigantic hunk of unidentifiable meat in the middle of the woods then decided it was a good time for a bit of a stroll around, steals that meat and starts to chow down? As if stealing food from unknown peoples is a normal activity to begin with. Granted, I’d be more concerned that what was roasting was parasite infested raccoon meat rather than human meat (and yes that might have been an extra special shout out to Frank Reynolds), but either way I’m not going near it. Unfortunately for Jonesy he’s not so bright. And he didn’t check the meat for recognizable tattoos before he’d helped himself to a hearty portion.