Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things

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Director: Bob Clark
Writers: Bob Clark, Alan Ormsby
Stars: Alan Ormsby, Valerie Mamches and Jeff Gillen
Rated: PG
Copyright: 1972 Brandywine/Motionarts
Runtime: 87 min
Tagline: You’re Invited to Orville’s “Coming-Out” Party…It’ll Be A Scream…YOURS!!!
Rating: 2.5 Bela Lugosi’s out of 5.

Who you’ll see:
The Zombies: The various dead people buried on the island. Alan’s little game of witchcraft raised them from the dead.

Orville. Corpse Alan has unearthed. He tries to raise him and then brings him home to party. He eventually
wants to munch on some flesh.

Jeff: The tubby guy you get in a lot of horror movies. He likes to announce his lack of bladder control. He’ll feed plenty a zombie.

Alan: Mean spirited ring leader of the acting troupe. Creepy and likes to call the actors his “children.” Get’s eaten by the dead guy he pretend married. (What?)

Anya: Really really weird girl. She eggs Alan on and then senses the impending zombiness. She feels for the dead and still becomes zombie chow.

Val: Oldest of the women. She pushes Alan back on more than one occasion. She’s eventually dinner.

Roy: A flaming actor Alan uses to play a prank on his group. He empties and then hides in a coffin that is then buried. Zombies finally chew on him.

Emerson: Another effeminate actor used by Allan. He follows the group around pretending to be a vampire. Gets punched and almost axed. Eventually the zombies eat him.

Paul and Terry. He’s the athlete. She’s an aspiring actress. In love and eventually both zombie din din.

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What we learned:

Well obviously first off that Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things. Follow this rule even though in this movie’s case the “children” are adults in a theatre troupe.

Never bring a dead body home (or to the cottage you broke into on an island.) with you. This will make matters worse when the zombie apocalypse occurs.

When scared during a prank so bad you pee yourself don’t continually say “I peed my pants. I peed my pants.”

If you can say the words “That one looks like it’s alive.” About someone it is probably best not to tap it on the shoulder.

Never ever be a caretaker.

Choose carefully who you prank or they may punch, try to axe and or pee themselves.

Pranks that involve beating up and then tying up the caretaker should probably be reconsidered.

The owner of a theatre is entitled to your soul.

That Miami (Florida) gets darker before an Island that you can see Miami from.

Ghouls make a lot of noise while following people.

Never ask what happened to the previous caretaker.

The devil has a whole lot of names.

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Things you need to see:

Announce yourself before approaching a vampire: 1 minute

Loud: The seventies outfit Alan and Anya are sporting: 5 minutes

Buy these cookies: Terry’s description of her brownie activities: 6 minutes

Poor bladder control: When Jeff pees himself and continually says: “I peed my pants.” 27 minutes

Uhm Anya: 32 minutes

Oh Val: You may want to stay away from her for a little while: 43 minutes

And then he falls flat on his face: 49 minutes

A lifeless marriage: Alan for some reason marries Orville: 50 minutes

Zombie ahoy: They eventually make it to Alan’s boat and seem to know what they’re doing: 85 minutes

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What to listen for:

Val: Get out of the grave, Alan. Get out of the grave and let an artist show you how to call a curse down on Satan!

Jeff: I peed in my pants.

Alan: [to Orville’s corpse] I’m gonna take your scraps and feed them to my dog.

Terry: I haven’t laughed this hard since granny got caught in the ringer.

Val: You’re summation is a bummer….and your vilification of Satan is rice pudding, soggy oatmeal.

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~ by ClevelandPoet on November 12, 2010.

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