What The Hell Were You Thinking?!: Why Do They Never Run?
Things need to be kicked up a notch here at the B Movie Brigade. Unfortunately the Brigadiers have lives, and other blogs (which you should read, clearly) and have thus ignored the B Movie Brigade blog for far too long. In attempts to remedy that I am adding a weekly post about the stupid ass things that people do in horror movies… that usually leads directly to their demise. It’s called What The Hell Were You Thinking?! So you, few readers that you are, may look forward to that along with your Monday Maniac and What A Way To Die.
Today’s What The Hell Were You Thinking?! is brought to you by Troll 2.
I hadn’t had the privilage to see this movie before, and considering that all the brigadiers were sunning themselves in lovely Key West, Florida when the Cleveland Cinemas Late Shift showed this B movie gem we thought it would only be appropriate to view it on our next vacation; a creepy cabin in the middle of the the Virginian woods. Because, what else are you going to do in a creepy ass cabin the middle of the woods?
Loosely, Troll 2 is about a family who decides to switch houses with a family from Nilbog, sort of Wife Swap style. Except.. not, cause the whole family goes along for the ride. Nilbog is pretty much in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of creepy residents that are largely absent. Meanwhile, the song of the family has been getting nightly visits from his deceased grandfather who is telling him tales of some prince who was lured into eating this sickening looking green food because he was mesmerized by the beauty of the woman feeding it to him. Pretty soon he starts to sweat green and then turns into half man/half vegetable. Which is apparently the favorite food of not trolls, but goblins. He is then consumed by small men in some sort of latex masks. And then there is the daughter of the family, who’s boyfriend is so obsessed with his friends that he takes them along to Nilbog when he’s expressly asked not to and forgoes sex in the woods with said daughter. I am supposing we’re supposed to imagine so latent homosexuality here. Anyway, pretty soon it’s obvious that Nilbog is goblin central and grandpa’s stories are about to come true. Of course, it’s only obvious to kiddo at first cause green butter is completely natural looking.
So who has the pleasure of being this week’s What The Hell Were You Thinking?! That would be Arnold (yes the same one who’s delivery of the phrase “Oh my goooooooooooood” has been immortalized on YouTube), one of the friends the boyfriend couldn’t do without. While all the friends are cooling their heels out in a Winnebago that’s broken down on the side of the road Arnold sees a hot blonde screaming and freaking out. She runs into him and while they’re rolling around on the ground the goblins come around the bend after her. She’s still screaming. So instead of taking his cue from Hot Blonde, Arnold marches up to those goblins and ignoring their strange appearance and weapons says (and I’m not making this up) “Excuse me. You better leave or you’re gonna be in a lot of trouble!” Arnold is quickly speared in the shoulder for his troubles and they’re both carted back to goblin central where a hot brunette gives them tea that is literally smoking. Not steaming, smoking. They drink it, because they’re reasonable people. I wont spoil you as to what happens cause I’d imagine some people out there would like to see this work of art, if you haven’t already, but suffice it to say it’s not good (and Arnold gets to speak his famous line). Though, their fate is probably better than watching this movie.