Mega Piranha gets a Mega Review
Directed by Eric Forsberg
Written by Eric Forsberg
Starring:Tiffany,Paul Logan,Barry Williams
Running time: 90 minutes
The movie is pasted together in a style used see in something like a wannabe Micheal Bay flick. It is filled with whip-pans, whizzing frames and of course appropriate frenetic sound effects. The filmmakers certainly tried to be slick and fast.
Ominous music starts the movie and then big block/bubble letters fly in. Mega Piranha has begun. It opens with an
Asian couple on a stroll alongside the Orinoco River in the Venezuelan part of the Amazon. It’s very scenic what with the flies and dead fish along the banks.
Why not strip and go for a swim (A much hotter women strips down to a swimsuit and goes for a dip while her fat guy friend eats on the shore.) She convinces him to come just in time to be eaten together. Their grisly deaths begin the body count for this gen modified fish. From there we proceed to a party boat containing (we are flashily told) a Venezuelan and an American diplomat. Also several bikini clad women drinking champagne. All is well (though the 2 argue politics for about a minute) until the notice the water. It is bubbling as we see the still (as of now) relatively tiny killer piranha coming toward the boat. They begin to eat the boat and the passengers scream as they toss and bump. Soon they are all in the water and ready for a wet, doggie paddling trough for the sharp toothed wannabe goldfish.
They are of course computer generated and rather bland even for the low budget genre.
Paul Logan who plays Jason Fitch, a special agent is then dispatched to Venezuala to investigate the disappearance of the American diplomat. Who sent him? None other than Greg Brady (Barry Williams) as Bob Grady.
Let that sink in too. Greg Brady played Bob Grady. Still want to continue?
First we must deal with the “who needs to pay Mark Wahlberg when we have this guy” Ab shot. This Seal who goes from slumber to ready in no time is to meet with the local military leader and find out what happened. Was it terrorists? Rebels? What did happen on that river boat cruise? Fitch is stopped at the airport by Sarah Monroe, she is convinced it was an attack not by humans, but by mutated Piranhas that are growing at an exponential rate. They are an experiment gone wrong.
Did I mention that one of the scientists involved in the mishap is Tiffany?
Do I mean Tiffany the 80’s teen Megapop sensation? Yes that Tiffany. Unfortunately she was no Deborah Gibson.
Let’s take a second to let that sink in because I can’t believe I just said that. In fact it wasn’t that Tiffany was bad and Deborah Gibson was great. No it wasn’t that at all. Tiffany just seemed to be Mega bad.
Yes I will use the Mega joke frequently. The fish tale progresses as these super fast and growling (what?) mega Piranhas escape into the main Amazon basin and they spread quickly downstream.
“Yes sir giant Piranha”—My favorite part of the movie. Finch tells Grady this and it is just accepted with no questions asked.
They escape because of course the local Government/Military are bumbling and angry. The main baddie Colonel Diaz oozes machismo and needs to blow these fish away. These mutated Piranhas must be stopped. The overzealous military leader launches his own attack on these fishy fiends and as a result they are freed when he blows up the only thing that has kept them at bay.
Wait for it:
What kept them at bay was essentially a straggle of thick branches and pieces of wood. A third world dam kept these things that ate a boat for the sake of eating a boat? Now they’re loose and you guessed it they’re getting bigger. They travel down the canal as the good guys (scientist and a “Special Agent”) have to free themselves and save the day. The entertainment level was set to barely above reality tv at this point.
It did pick up when huge piranha (mega of course!) jumped out of the water and into/exploding the buildings alongside. By picking up I mean the hilarity factor. I mean these fish wreak havoc on the population by hurtling themselves to their own demise? I’m still not sure why they slammed themselves into the buildings or why every single building reacted as if hit by a bomb, but it was funny to watch.
They bombarded the toothy bastards with all the fire power of a missile destroyer. There are fish chunks everywhere and now our team of heroes just needs to get to the rescue helicopter. Except not only did a buttload (a mega load?) of them survived but apparently they can now survive in salt water too. They do have two hearts and are hermaphrodites as Tiffany explains with a straight face. There is a helicopter fight between the good guys and Diaz, that seemed to be ripped almost totally from Rambo Part 2. They escape just barely and make it to a Mega bunker in the middle of the ocean.
Where do the hungry little beasties go? Florida of course! Quick someone stop them before they get to Washington!
There is a plan in place to nuke the Florida coast with enough to kill the piranha, the land and the water. Finch has another plan though. He got into a knife fight with one of them earlier and when one bled the others attacked it. He thinks that something like that might help now. So he and some Navy Seals jump in the water with guns that look like painted nerf guns. The plan? Shoot them in the eyes and watch em eat one another. Only thing is the bullets don’t make their eyes bleed. Tiffany (Monroe) jumps on the radio and informs them there are no blood vessels in their eyes.
Where was she with that info before? New plan except Diaz somehow reappears with his helicopter and captures Finch. He is quickly beaten up and left for a Piranha to eat (helicopter, baddie and all.) Finch eventually busts one of these things open and the feeding frenzy ensues and somehow all the piranha eat/fight/kill each other. This ending where the evils fight one another saving the day was brought to you (and done better) by Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.
It was your typical b movie though not as good as most. Every male actor talks like they’re big bad action heroes or more like they think they would talk. The acting is in true Spinal Tap form turned up to 11. The story progresses to an ending point several times (quickly) and then is inexplicably hurtled onward. Mega Piranha’s main problem is it appears to be over produced. Is over production really possible with a low budget flick? Yes apparently it is. Nearly every cut scene is edited with a flash, the sound of a rush of wind. They overly tinkered with film speed. They movie’s editing was a real chop job. Segue scenes are repeated and repeated. Every time the story changes location we’re shown the same title cards over and over again. Staying into the movie was hard because it was bad, but they acted as if every viewer had ADD. This is the river we introduced three minutes ago! Hey remember this is Venezuela! This is that ultra secret Mega military base! The digital effects are as stated earlier rudimentary and add really nothing to the movie. Only a few single victim kills and most of those took place jumping out of the water and swallowing whole. There are some funny kills but computer made kills can’t be great when you don’t have the budget. It is bad and not Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus bad, but more like Dino Shark bad. Watch it tongue in cheek and only if you have nothing else to do. Mega Piranha is decent time killer but nothing to remember.