You know what sucks? Dying. You know what sucks even more? Dying in some sort of horrible or boring way. I mean anyone can be stabbed or shot or slip on some ice. Knowing some maniac went out of his way to give you some silly, outrageous or creative death should give you at least some comfort, right?
Plus try to think of it from the killer’s perspective you try your best to be creative and fun, but all anyone wants to do is kill you. Where’s the justification in that? I mean you’re an artist after all. That is why we here at the Brigade started ‘What a way to die.’ This week’s What a Way to Die is brought to you by the Godfather of gore Lucio Fulci.
Last Sunday the brigade went to see Fulci’s The House by the Cemetery. During the “previews” we saw the preview of The New York Ripper. That is what we present here to you. Why? One it is awesome and two it has a spectacular death in it. What way would suck for anyone? I’d have to say death by broken bottle to the crotch ranks pretty high. A poor young lady will let you see what that is like at about the 2:00 minute mark.
*This won’t be safe for work or kids probably. There are boobs, sex stuff and etc.
Title: Santa Claus conquers the Martians
Director: Nicholas Webster
Writer: Paul L. Jacobson, Glenville Mareth
Stars: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck and Pia Zadora
Tagline: Santa brings Christmas fun to Mars!
My Rating:
Give it a watch if you have nothing better to do. Ratings key is here.
Santa Claus can’t conquer the spoilers that are below.
Betty and Billy: Abducted by Martians to help kidnap Santa.
Santa: The jolly fat man himself.
Kimar – Leader of the Martians.
Dropo: Bumbling assistant who can’t stop laughing.
Bomar: Martian child, sad sack.
Girmar : Martian child. Sad sack and amazingly Pia Zadora!
Momar – Kimar’s wife.
Torg – An unstoppable robot that Santa turns into a toy.
Chochem – 800 year old Martian. He likes smoke.
Voldar – Evil Martian. Likes: Destroying cities and moustaches. Dislikes: Children being happy, old people and pretty much everything.
Is that Saturn in the background? 13:00
That really came out like a community fart. 16:40
There are spaceships we better scramble some B-52’s: 19:00
Always best to give your prisoners a tour of your ship: 25:00
“Polar bear” 33:00
Torg the unstoppable! 35:00
They sure move a lot for being statues. 37:00
He threatens and then runs off and they don’t seem worried at all. 44:00
Voldar’s face says it all. 50:00
When did this become a Three Stooges movie? 1:03:00
Thank you captain obvious. 1:05:00
Santa laughs in the face of danger. 1:14:00
“It is the middle of Septober.”
”And Mrs. Santa Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians.”
“But we are going to forget about the testing and go after those Martian monkeys.”
“We need a Santa Claus on Mars.”
“I’m not tired but my finger is.”
“Earth has had Santa for too long.”
“Nobody on earth will know Martians kidnapped Santa Claus.”
“You won’t get away with this you…you MARTIAN.”
Snow doesn’t melt.
Santa long ago lost his mind.
Tender loving care doesn’t exist on Mars.
On mars you can still have hamburgers, mashed potatoes and buttered asparagus.
It’s okay to use “sleep spray” on your children.
When someone is really against a space mission it is best to bring him with you.
Radar is best used in a box.
Paper towel tubes can be used for radar.
Best way to prove you mean no harm is to stick death rays in their face.
Snow doesn’t stick to Martians.
Santa Claus always wears the same clothes.
It is best to have a duct in an airlock.
Santa always wanted to visit mars.
Santa is the worst standup comedian ever.
The Christmas spirit will get you killed.
Martian prison cells look exactly like Earth ones.
It’s always nice to share a big chuckle with your captors.
Martians are humans’ dirtier cousins.
Nuclear curtains are safe.
Kimar the leader of Mars and his wife Momar are troubled. It seems their children are a couple of sad sacks. The kids have no appetite for food pills or even sleeping. It’s gotten so bad that Kimar has to use the “sleeping spray” to put his kids to bed. Wait what? This is the case with children all over Mars. Kimar calls the Martian leadership council together for a meeting with the 800 year old Chochem. Voldar ever the heel complains the whole time. Chochem tells them that what they need is their own Santa Claus. Actually he says they need THE Santa Claus. Despite Voldar’s protest (this will become a theme) they form a raiding party to kidnap Santa Claus.
Once on earth they are confused to see there is more than one Santa Claus. The Martians venture out and stumble across Betty and Billy as the pair lounges about. The two earth children school them on Santa Claus. How are Billy and Betty repaid for their information? They are kidnapped of course. Dropo (who snuck on board) decides to give the children a tour of the space ship. He has them hide in the ships radar box and here they over hear the plan to kidnap Santa. The children escape into the cold of the North Pole. The Martians discover they’ve escaped and go off to find them. They release Torg an unstoppable robot in search of them. The children are soon attacked by a man dressed as a polar bear, err I mean a Polar bear. Eventually Torg captures them and Voldar orders him to crush them. This is stopped by Kimar and after some more bickering they all head off to find Santa’s workshop. How the children didn’t freeze to death is beyond me.
Santa’s workshop is apparently easy to find (just look for the big sign). Kimar sends in the unstoppable Torg to capture Santa, but Santa turns the robot into a giant toy. The raiding party bursts in and uses their freeze rays on the elves. Santa is taken off but not before Mrs. Claus, who is a complete nag, is also frozen still. Santa spends the ride back to Mars cracking bad joke after bad joke. He doesn’t even seem to mind that Voldar tried to shoot them out the airlock. Here Voldar and Kimar come to blows and Voldar is taken prisoner. When they return to the planet Voldar escapes and Santa is put to work making toys for the Martian children. They build him a workshop and a machine that will make the toys; all he has to do is push a button.
Voldar has been hiding out in a cave bidding his time with a couple other turn coats. The trio breaks into the workshop and sabotages the toy machine. This causes chaos when dolls come out with bear heads and vice versa. Meanwhile Dropo, who dressed up in Santa’s extra outfit, has been captured by the bad guys. They somehow don’t recognize that he is in fact a Martian. Bolstered by thinking they have jolly St. Nick Voldar marches to the workshop. Here he is captured by Voldar but manages to escape once again. He plans to kill the real Santa but Santa hatches a plan with the children. It involves attacking the ray gun wielding Voldar with toys and bubbles. This somehow works and soon they realize they must send Santa and the children back to earth.
You know what sucks? Dying. You know what sucks even more? Dying in some sort of horrible or boring way. I mean anyone can be stabbed or shot or slip on some ice. Knowing some maniac went out of his way to give you some silly, outrageous or creative death should give you at least some comfort, right?
Plus try to think of it from the killer’s perspective you try your best to be creative and fun, but all anyone wants to do is kill you. Where’s the justification in that? I mean you’re an artist after all. That is why we here at the Brigade started ‘What a way to die.’ This week’s What a Way to Die is brought to you by the movie Santa’s Slay.
The Holidays can really suck. I mean you’re stuck with family you (possibly) don’t like. The next time you’re ready to fight at the table be grateful you’re not about to be killed by Santa. What could be worse than being killed by Santa? Well, it could be former wrestler Bill Goldberg playing Santa that kills you. There are so many perfect kills to choose from in Santa’s Slay. I decided to go against one specific one and go with the generic death by Santa. In this scene Santa will destroy an entire family and in some pretty creative ways.
Enjoy and Merry Christmas from the B movie Brigade!
You know what sucks? Dying. You know what sucks even more? Dying in some sort of horrible or boring way. I mean anyone can be stabbed or shot or slip on some ice. Knowing some maniac went out of his way to give you some silly, outrageous or creative death should give you at least some comfort, right?
Plus try to think of it from the killer’s perspective you try your best to be creative and fun, but all anyone wants to do is kill you. Where’s the justification in that? I mean you’re an artist after all. That is why we here at the Brigade started ‘What a way to die.’ This week’s What a Way to Die is brought to you by the movie Jack Frost.
Not all snowmen are friendly. This clip may have you think twice before getting to buddy buddy with Frosty the next time he shows up. Let’s face it the only thing that could make the holidays worse is dying. It would really suck being killed by an evil snowman but being raped by an evil snowman in your tub would REALLY suck.
You know who doesn’t get enough love? Movie maniacs that’s who doesn’t get enough love. For some of them not getting enough love as a child is what the problem is. Okay and maybe for others it was too much love as kid. That is just the sort of statement that would probably set them off. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? Today being Halloween we give you a special Maniac brought to you by the movie Halloween Night
Back story: As a young boy Chris Vail saw his mother murdered and was wrongfully accused of it. The murder scarred him emotionally (and thanks to a busted steam pipe physically.) After 10 years of abuse in an Insane Asylum he murders two guards and escapes. Desperate to find the truth he returns to his former home to search for clues. A bunch of horny teens are throwing a party and he decides they should probably die.
Occupation: Insane person, burn victim, clue seeker, killer
Appearance(s): 1
General target: Anyone who gets in his way of finding out who killed his mother.
Kills: 5+
Outfit: Executioner costume, and at one point a paper plate mask.
Weapons: Knife, axe
You know who doesn’t get enough love? Movie maniacs that’s who doesn’t get enough love. For some of them not getting enough love as a child is what the problem is. Okay and maybe for others it was too much love as kid. That is just the sort of statement that would probably set them off. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? This week’s Maniac is brought to you by the movie Blue Demon.
Back story: General Remora tired of seeing much needed money going to libraries and schools instead of the military he took matters into his own hands. The only way to ensure proper funding was by attacking the country he loves, he’s a patriot like that. This cigar smoking General did the only thing he could do, put a bomb in a shark’s mouth, and send it to San Fran.
Occupation: Military leader, Cigar Smoker
Appearance(s): 1
General target: Anyone who gets in the way of military funding.
Kills: 5 (by the sharks he released.) 6 if you include himself. And 6 sharks.
Outfit: Military garb.
Weapons: Gun and sharks.
You know who doesn’t get enough love? Movie maniacs that’s who doesn’t get enough love. For some of them not getting enough love as a child is what the problem is. Okay and maybe for others it was too much love as kid. That is just the sort of statement that would probably set them off. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? This week’s Maniac is brought to you by the movie Raiders of the Damned*
Back story: World War III has wreaked devastation on the earth and all of mankind. As the fighting continued to escalate a biochemical weapon was unleashed turning the lifeless corpses into unrelenting zombies. A military team was sent into to a dangerous zone and never returned. The Colonel and his men are turned into zombies. His new mission is to eat brains, well that and rule the rest of the world. The Colonel is calculated and eager for revenge. He may be a zombie but he’s not a barbarian.
Occupation: Military leader, zombie
Appearance(s): 1
General target: Humans
Kills: Many.
Outfit: Military garb and decaying skin.
Weapons: Teeth, bows/arrows and his army of zombies.
You know what sucks? Dying. You know what sucks even more? Dying in some sort of horrible or boring way. I mean anyone can be stabbed or shot or slip on some ice. Knowing some maniac went out of his way to give you some silly, outrageous or creative death should give you at least some comfort, right?
Plus try to think of it from the killer’s perspective you try your best to be creative and fun, but all anyone wants to do is kill you. Where’s the justification in that? I mean you’re an artist after all. That is why we here at the Brigade started ‘What a way to die.’ This week’s What a Way to Die is brought to you by the movie Sleepwalkers.
In this week’s WAWTD we find out what happens when you don’t eat your veggies. Well, that and what will happen if you run into Mary, who happens to be a Sleepwalker. What’s a Sleepwalker you ask? Sleepwalkers are shape shifters who need to feed on the souls of humans. Fun huh? You can say Deputy Horace’s death was corny. You can but you probably shouldn’t. We’ll leave the witty zingers to Mary, with her “No vegetables, no dessert.”
You know who doesn’t get enough love? Movie maniacs that’s who doesn’t get enough love. For some of them not getting enough love as a child is what the problem is. Okay and maybe for others it was too much love as kid. That is just the sort of statement that would probably set them off. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? This week’s Maniac is brought to you by the movie Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.
Back story: Deep in the Republic of Congo an illegal diamond mine accidentally release a giant prehistoric crocodile. It is pissed off and probably hungry. To make matters worse a hunter manages to capture her and some of her eggs. He decided to transport her across the ocean, but this bad mother won’t be contained. She breaks loose and decides to eat everything she can.
Occupation: 1,500-foot prehistoric crocodile. Mother.
Appearance(s): 1
General target: Mega sharks, submarines and Urkel’s fiancé.
Kills: Many.
Outfit: Thick skin.
Weapons: Big teeth.
Title: Future Force
Director: David A. Prior
Writer: Thomas Baldwin (creator), David A. Prior
Stars: David Carradine, Robert Tessier and Anna Rapagna
Rated: R
Tagline: Judge. Jury. Executioner.
Rating:
Like your first sex experience. Some good but mostly bad.
John Tucker – David Carradine! Tough cop with a robotic glove, upholds the law without question, but he has a tendency to punch opponents in the crotch.
Becker – Big guy who is Adams’ main enforcer. Quite deadly with his butterfly knife, but no match for Tucker.
Mr. Adams – Owner of the C.O.P.S. organization, should have stayed behind his desk.
Roxanne – Girl with painted on jeans who is sweet on Tucker, she freaks me out. Largely on account she looks like the mutant woman in “Total Recall” without using makeup. Becker slits her throat.
Billy – John’s computer whiz friend, confined to a wheelchair (Of course.) by an unfortunate accident. Bullets are equal opportunity, he dies.
Marion – Female reporter who is about to blow the lid off corruption within the C.O.P.S. organization.
Mr. Grimes – Priest and gang lord, crack shot with a LAW too.
Alicia – Marion’s boss and friend, cut up by Becker.
In the future we will all be forced to use block letters.
In the future bounty hunters will have detachable robot arms but still drive crappy jeep Cherokees.
The nineties loved the jean jackets.
Crime is contained but they still have stations that play easy listening music.
In the future David Carradine can take any seat he wants.
Best not to “hide” from the law by just parking and sitting in the car they know you’re in at random places
Best way to show you are angry is by breaking a pencil.
Boob shot. 19:55
Random acts of violence against a TV. 22 minutes.
That door didn’t stand a chance. 29 minutes.
Fight of the century is robotic arm vs. bad guy. 107 minutes.
Sometime in the 90’s America was overrun with criminals and it became too much for even cops to handle. C.O.P.S (Civilian Operated Police State), a ruthless band of bounty hunters was formed to restore order in a city. Mr. Adams is not only the owner of C.O.P.S but as corrupt as they come. He’s got a pretty sweet gig too. He runs all the crime and if anyone gets in his way he sets them up to be hunted by his bounty hunters.
Everything was going swell for him. He spent his time drinking hard liquor and Killing with his buddy Becker. Then one day he turns on the TV and everything changed. Instead of watching reruns of Friends he switched on the news. There sat Marion telling the world she’s about to reveal major corruption in the C.O.P.S organization. Clearly she has to die. With a few keystrokes Mr. Adams marked her as wanted.
Luckily for her the first one to find her is David Carradine—I mean John Tucker. John is a hardnosed “cop” who happens to be the best bounty hunter out there. Need proof he’s the best? He has a mechanical arm. More proof? He also has a remote control for it. If you still don’t believe he’s the best he’ll probably punch you in the crotch. He has that tendency. John is aided by Billy his little wheel chair buddy. Billy is the brains of the team. Tucker finds her first and is well less than gentle. She is sure he is just as corrupt as Adams and others. He may be rough but he doesn’t care about illegal payoffs. He’s just there to bring you in and let the judge deal with you.
As he attempts to bring her in he is met by other C.O.P.S who work for Adams. After he deals with them he still intends on bringing her in only Adams has now put a hit out on him. What does he do? Why he brings her to a strip club other C.O.P.S hang out of course. The pair barely escapes and they hide out—by parking their car in the middle of the street somewhere.
Eventually Tucker begins to believe everything that Marion is saying. This leads them right into the bedroom for some sex the John Tucker way. We don’t actually see the sex but I assume he uses his robot arm. The next morning she wakes up and he is gone. It seems John Tucker celebrates sex by killing some baddies. He and Billy come up with a brilliant plan of putting out a warrant for Mr. Adams. Billy races to crack the computer password as Tucker meets the baddies for a battle in a junkyard.
The whole movie is Tucker kicking people’s asses but here he seems to have met his match in Becker. As they battle it out Adams makes a run for it. When things look grim for he breaks out the remote control robot arm and uses it to donkey punch the bad guy.
It was fun to watch the big time baddie sort of stand there weapon in hand as Tucker played with the remote for a minute. Then bam donkey punch!
Of course things didn’t turn out too well for good ole wheelchair Billy. He met his end with a whole bunch of lead but mustered the strength to hit send. Meanwhile Tucker cornered Adams in the C.O.P.S headquarters. As he prepares to arrest him Adams orders the other C.O.P.S to shoot Tucker. They all pull their weapons but are mesmerized by his charm and wait just long enough to see an order come out for Adams himself. The order literally scrolls across a screen. Adams goes down in a haze of bullets from Tucker’s gun. He then limps out of the building and meets up with Marion and they drive off.
The plot is fun enough. The effects and costumes only add to the entertainment. The uniforms of the future are essentially jeans and jean jackets. The movie is made on the cheap and it shows. That said there are plenty of chases, fight scenes and topless women gyrating. Future Force is bad but laugh worthy. Hell it might be worth the watch just to enjoy the flying robot arm junk punch.
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