Alien Lockdown

Release date: 2004
Run time: 90 minutes

 

Quick review:

½ 🍪 for seeing Cobra Kai boss baddie getting a Facehugger to the well uh face.

 

What happens:

The movie opens with a whole lot of narration. You know many years ago there was a meteor, an alien gem. Apparently many a war has been fought for control. Everyone wants to weaponize it if they can figure it out. Finally the code is cracked. A creepy doctor tells us it’s evolution at their feet. Shockingly this thing that looks like a mash up of Alien and the predator escapes and you know kills some people. A crack team of the best military commandos are dispatched by our skeevy commander. They arrive to lock it down and find two survivors among the carnage. The team learns there was more to this mission than they were told. Has to fight the Alien/Predator thing and it’s offspring. Screaming, shooting, etc etc etc……

Watch for:

The Junkyard dog style headbutt from the alien to one of the military dudes. Seeing something I could pretend was a reference to old school wrestling was basically the last enjoyment I got out of the movie. 

Cobra Kai bad guy getting a Facehugger to the face.

Should you watch this?

John Savage really hams it up. The “Alien” suit at least seems like they gave it a good try. If faced with watching this or taking a face hugger to the dome you’d probably be better off with the face hugger.

Lone Wolf McQuade Review

Release date: April 15th, 1983

Running time: 147 minutes

I saw this when I was 13 years old. I was firmly behind Chuck Norris. I mean what red blooded young kid wouldn’t be? Going into this many years later I assumed I would switch to be on team David Carradine. Yep. I guess I grew out of wanting to be a lone wolf. My wife is not a Lone Wolf either:

Me: “And she didn’t get attacked by his wolf. Yeah, he has a wolf so technically he’s not alone wolf cus there’s another wolf”
Her: “Don’t wolves go in packs?”
Me: “Yeah, not when they’re a lone wolf. Because then they go off to be alone.”

Lone Wolf McQuade doesn’t hide the fact that it’s an action movie. It’s an action movie that has style though. There’s a cast of mildly interesting if not stereotypical characters. They all gravitate toward our hero, of course. Together they’re thrown headlong into a plot that is pretty much meaningless. The movie mashes antihero cop movies with spaghetti westerns. Violence, guns, and close ups of Chuck Norris are the order of the day. Ignore the pointlessness of the plot, and some of the words, and typical action fans will have a good time.

B Movie Brigade Rating:

 (Like Your first time having sex. Some good but mostly bad.)

 

Who you’ll see:

 

J.J. McQuade (Chuck Norris): Texas Ranger. Lone Wolf. Good with his hands and feet.
Lola (Barbara Carrera): Doesn’t think dudes fighting is fun. Likes riding horses and cleaning sloppy guy’s houses.
Dakota (L.Q. Jones): If Col. Sanders was a Texas Ranger, this would be him. When we meet him he’s retiring.
Kayo Ramos (Robert Beltran): Needs much saving. Wants to be partners.
Agent Jackson (Leon Issac Kennedy): F.B.I. Pretty quiet. Not big on following rules.
Rawley Wilkes (David Carradine): Bad guy. Likes Karate. Believes in trust.

 

What the hell is going on?

 

The movie starts on a hot day, and Lone Wolf McQuade is out by himself. It’s almost as if he’s a Lone Wolf or something. Soon enough he spies trouble for some law men trying to stop some horse thieves.

I’m pretty sure 13 year old me thought horse theft was a really REALLY big deal. He does some shooting and then some sauntering and some kicking. Then some more shooting. He kicks the bad guy’s teeth out right after the dude told him some Texas Ranger kicked his dad’s teeth out. How rude.

McQuade doesn’t have time to talk with the Sheriffs that didn’t die. He’s got a retirement to get to. Col. Sander is calling it quits, and all the Texas Rangers are there to see him off. A dusty and dirty McQuade can’t even have a beer with his buddy before his captain demands to see him in his office.

His captain introduces him to his new partner. McQuade ain’t happy. He takes his Lone Wolf gimmick seriously! This plucky young guy won’t take no for an answer. He shows up to McQuade’s house and immediately runs into his wolf. I guess he’s not a Lone Wolf after all! Ramos is there in his new role of partner to wake him up. What a nice if a bit weird gesture. He’s rewarded with a gun in his chest. The Lone Wolf and the actual wolf scare him off.

Later this young whippersnapper creeps up on The Rangers car and apologizes. He wants nothing to do with it, and they both hit their supercharge that their cars apparently have. A car chase where the two good guys chase each other. Bold strategy. Ramos crashes and McQuade leaves him in the dust. He’s off to pick up his daughter for a ride. While his daughter rides, McQuade ogles a pretty new girl riding a horse. Lola makes a friend for life by saving his daughter after her horse gets spooked and hits his super charge.

Ominous music as Rawley (David Carradine) drives on in. The first thing he greets our hero ranger with? “I hear you’re good with your hands and feet.” He might be a baddie (have we seen proof of that yet? Nope) but he sure is smooth.

McQuade gets invited to a dance at the big baddies’ place; surely nothing could go wrong. After Rawley has a karate exhibition (inside a wrestling ring) one of his thugs goes to pick on Ramos. Thug one and his friends whale on him until Col. Sanders intervenes and gets his lights dimmed with just one punch. Our hero politely excuses himself from the pretty Lola. I wish he had said “pardon me while I go jump kick this jerk into a table.” Alas, he did not.

Kick.
Punch.
Kick.
Throw.
Stare down.

Lola doesn’t consider this fun. I guess we’ve got to wait for the erotic Chuck Norris/David Carradine encounter. She offers to take him somewhere else, but they end up at a bar where nobody likes McQuade. Together they beat up a rude guy and leave.

Shit then gets real. Little Sally McQuade and her beau are off being horny teens when they stumble onto different kinds of naughty things. All this while poppa McQuade is stealing smooches from Lola. This is why he’s a Lone Wolf!

You all done messed up hurting Sally. The feds think the Lone Wolf is gonna sit this one out? No chance bub! Now he needs the help of his perky new partner. “Good job kid, really good job.”

That’s just Texas dust in our eyes. Really. Together (aww) they stumble on a shipment of guns being stolen and go off to investigate. Factory. Shoot out. Obligatory hanging off a moving vehicle. Car chase.

The usu.

He had to save a bad guy named Snow from being burned alive.  I love this. They take him to Col. Sanders, who threatens him with an automatic weapon. As one does. Snow sings like a canary or one that’s being shot at by a retired Texas Ranger. When McQuade returns to his place, he finds Lola cleaning his slobby house.

What?

She’s also brought him vitamins.

What?

Now they’re mad at each other. She storms off, but maybe if some soft music plays he can explain to her that he’s a lone wolf. Now we get a cleaning montage! After all this wholesome goodness, we’re brought back down by Rawely and his henchmen taking out Dakota.

It gets worse. The feds are serving McQuade with an indictment. He goes home to sulk. I guess Lola lives there now. He doesn’t wanna talk about it. Smooches commence. McQuade’s life is one of ups and downs. After some loving, some goons come and shoot his wolf buddy. No time to mourn though because here comes the one good fed, Agent Jackson.

After a plane ride and a drive filled with colorful dialogue, our heroes find a base with all sorts of bad guys and weapons. They wait for night to fall and move on in. What a shock!, the other FBI guy does something dumb. McQuade is caught, beaten and buried in his truck. He wakes up and pours a beer on his head like some weird Popeye spinach thing. Then he uses his supercharger to supercharge the heck out of being buried!

Our hero is alive but beaten up physically and emotionally. How could Lola be with that dirty scoundrel? What else can go wrong? Oh great, his daughter Sally is missing. She’s been nabbed by Wilkes. This is how he requests The Ranger’s presence. We will get the erotic hand to hand combat we’ve all wanted after all!

McQuade is trying to do that Lone Wolf thing again. Off to Mexico he goes. Jackson and Ramos won’t hear any of that noise though. They’re bros after all. Three banged up do gooders off for some good ole American revenge.

Everyone is reunited and cue the gun fight. There’s bazookas, guns, and a showdown between an armored vehicle and a bulldozer. FINALLY Carradine and Norris can get each others hands and feets.

STAREDOWN.
Drop guns.
Smiles.
Fight.

Rawley gets the better of McQuade until he smacks Sally. ACTIVATE ANGRY DAD MODE.

A beat down ensues. The loved ones go to each other. Wilkes fires on them and Lola steps in front. As she dies, she admits she was forced to be Wilkes arm candy after he killed her husband. Also she loves him. Guess he’s a lone wolf again. A Dan Marino touchdown pass with a grenade from McQuade somehow manages to explode the whole building that Wilkes hid in.

Back in Texas our lone wolf is feeling the love, even from his captain. He just wants to spend time with his family. There’s a hostage situation, and they really need him. He goes off. His ex wife yells after him “J.J. McQuade, you will never change!”

Joke’s on you lady, he has changed. He’s no longer a lone wolf.

Lone Wolf McQuade doesn’t hide the fact that it’s an action movie. It’s an action movie that has style though. There’s a cast of mildly interesting if not stereotypical characters. They all gravitate toward our hero, of course. Together they’re thrown headlong into a plot that is pretty much meaningless. The movie mashes antihero cop movies with spaghetti westerns. Violence, guns, and close ups of Chuck Norris are the order of the day. Ignore the pointlessness of the plot, and some of the words, and typical action fans will have a good time.

 

What to see:

 

I’m pretty sure Col. Sanders plays a Texas Ranger in this.

16 minutes in and we get our first kick from David Carradine. It wasn’t the most impressive; it just makes me happy seeing him kick people.

Dude runs at McQuade and he straight up chucks him into a crowd of people.

A buried McQuade pours beer on his face and then supercharges his truck out of being buried.

A smiling David Carradine shooting off a big ole gun rapidly.

David Carradine whipping butt in a plaid sweater.

 

What to hear:

 

“You’re hurting my cars. Why’d you do that?”

“You know once a Ranger kicked my Father’s teeth out. Would you do that to me, Texas Ranger?”

“I hear you’re good with your hands and feet.”

 

What we learned:

 

You’re not a Lone Wolf if sad soft music doesn’t play when we first meet you.

Texas Rangers shoot first and ask questions maybe.

Sheriffs have never been good at anything.

Trust is the most important thing in bad guy business.

Never bring a tire iron to a gunfight.

To be a good Ranger, you should be as dirty as possible.

Best way to relax as a high strung lone wolf Texas Ranger? Drawing boobs on pictures.

You can tell someone needs some vitamins from one kiss.

If you’re with an F.B.I. agent named Burnside, you know he’s gonna do something dumb.

 

Skin: C

If you’re hot for Chuck Norris or hairy chests then maybe higher. There’s a montage of a hairy, dirty and shirtless Chuck shooting guns. A little bit of sleeveless McQuade. There is some open shirt Chuck action, including while struggling in the grasp of some bad men. David Carradine sporting an open necked karate outfit. Chuck Norris and Barbara Carrera get wet and muddy in their clothes. Some nice leg action when Lola is only wearing a dress shirt.

 

 

Haiku review: One Cut of the Dead

One Cut of the Dead (2019)

Did that zombie vom?

Watch this with no spoilers please.

Charming zombie flick.

Monday’s Maniac: Happy Toyz Semi-Truck

You know who doesn’t get enough love? Movie maniacs that’s who doesn’t get enough love. For some of them not getting enough love as a child is what the problem is. Okay, MAYBE for others it was too much love as kid. That is just the sort of statement that would probably set them off. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? Today’s Maniac is brought to you by the coked up cinematic experience that is Maximum Overdrive

Back story: There’s a comet. There’s always a comet. So earth passes through this bastard comets tail. It’ll be stuck there for some Uber specific amount of days. This comet has caused machines of all kinds to come to life. Including the Green Goblin faced Happy Toyz semi truck.
Occupation: Semi Truck
Appearance(s): 1
General target: People. It really doesn’t like people. Truckers!
Kills: 2
Outfit: It’s a truck. Green Goblin faced
Weapons: Itself. 

Can’t Stop the Music

Release date: June 20, 1980
Running time: 124 minutes

B Movie Brigade rating:

Cream of the crop of bad movies

I didn’t expect to come out of a movie theatre horny for Steve Guttenberg, but then I went to see Can’t Stop The Music to close out Pride Month and well now here we are. What is Can’t Stop the Music, you ask? The 70’s gave us disco, and then the universe saw fit to give us a pseudo-biography of The Village People. Starring Steve Guttenberg, Valerie Perrine, Caitlyn Jenner and of course, The Village People. It was directed by actress Nancy Walker. She was Rhoda’s mom on The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Rhoda. She would not direct again.

Who you’ll see: 

Jack Morrell(Steve Guttenberg): Goofy, dentist school avoiding wannabe songwriter. Roller skating enthusiast. 

Samantha(Valerie Perrine): Retired Model. Happy to be eating finally. Collector of people from the village.

Ron White(Caitlyn Jenner): Lawyer. Prude. Rube. Instant love interest for Samantha.

LuLu(Marilyn Sokol): Friend, outfit maker, hornball.

Steve Waits(Paul Sand): Record exec, and ex to Samantha. Has a phone answering fetish.

Ray Simpson: Village person. Cop who likes to sing.

David Hodo: Village person. Construction worker who likes to sing. Gets a lot of screen time. Fantasizes about being a model that is chased by very severe women.

Randy Jones. Village person. Cowboy who likes to sing.

Glenn Hughes: Village person. Leatherman who sings/gets nervous. Hot toll booth worker.

Alex Briley: Village person. G.I. who sings.

Felipe Rose: Village person. Indian who likes to sing. Breaks into people’s apartments to sit around looking hot.

What the hell is going on:

Jack Morell wants more from life than dentist school or being a schelppy salesman at a record store. He’s all set to have his big break with a guest dj set at a discotheque. First, though, he has to stick it to his boss who apparently hates young people. Next on the agenda? Dancing and singing his way through NYC on roller skates. Now it’s time to fight for his dreams! First he has to convince his roommate the retired model to stop eating everything and watering a million houseplants long enough to support him at the disco. Eventually they all head out, and we get a hot scene of Samantha at “play” being passed around on the dance floor. Samantha is sufficiently blown away by his talents. (It might be that she’s just horned up from the sexy dance floor sequence; after all her hair did get pulled down-a surefire sign of ensuing hotness.) She agrees to use her connects to get him a chance at success! First they need a demo and enter the first of the easily beaten obstacles. They need singers! Cheap ones! What’s a retired super model to do? Eat an ice cream cone (one that miraculously refills and sometimes changes flavors) while trolling the village for singers. Duh! Samantha knows and recruits a lot of guys who can sing and like to dress in costume. She quickly convinces the Daisy Duke-loving, Indian headdress-wearing Felipe and others. The one that stands out is the construction worker David, a model who’s in costume for a photo shoot. He clearly likes the outfit though. As she tries to convince him, he gets his own musical number! He sings “I Love You to Death” and is seduced, harassed and groped by some very serious women wearing fancy gowns.

They got themselves some singers so it’s time to head back to Samantha’s for some lasagna and demo making! Here’s a little known fact: The Beatles were struggling to create Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band until they took a break to eat some lasagna. Here we get to see LuLu be horny and handsy. All sorts of people drop in for no real reason. Uptight Ron comes in bearing a cake from Samantha’s sister. Her old boss tumbles in while trying to spy on the group. Even Jack’s mom finds her way over, and eventually they get to singing and dancing. Everyone is happy and feels the magic. Well, except good old fashioned Ron. He judges and rushes off to save himself from all the weirdness and freeness. Oh no!

Don’t worry, spirits are still high and Samantha makes a trip to see her ex, who can’t keep himself off the phone. This was a bit throughout the movie, and it amused me to no end. The meeting doesn’t go too well, and a defiant Samantha names herself the manager of this still unnamed group. Who should she run into? Everyone’s favorite goody goody lawyer Ron! He’s had time to feel that magic, to become smitten and realize he’d like to try some of Sam’s lasagna. After a day of hanging out they head back to her place where the leftover lasagna is spilled on Ron’s pants. Uh oh, better take them off. Who knew an Italian dish could be such a great wingman? One thing leads to another including a dentist chair and a stuck dress. And then passionate lovemaking. I mean, probably; we don’t see it. 

Anyway, it was decided they don’t have enough costumed people. There needs to be an audition. Ron selflessly offers his fancy lawyer office to hold them. What could go wrong? Colorful characters show up including our beloved G.I. and Leatherman. It only took half the movie to get these two! Ron’s boss is not happy with his choice of uh clientele, and so Ron quits.

Don’t try this at home, kids!

We’ve got all the moving parts; now we just need a reason to sing YMCA! Oh hey, that’s where they can rehearse since Ron’s office is out. The camp really ramps up here, but so does the sexy. There’s a montage of men enjoying themselves using the amenities of the Y. Soaping up and splashing in pools ensues. Don’t worry, it’s still straight cus here are some bits of Valerie Perrine’s boobs. Now they’re ready to sing and dance for the ever busy record exec. It does not go well. Here’s one of those obstacles again. They need money. Oh no!

Oh wait, Sam will just take that ad job for milk her former boss has been pushing on her. Yes, milk. It’ll be a perfect way to get some exposure for the Village People! They film a commercial singing “Milkshake!” Clad in white (duh!) they entreat you to “Do the shake. Do the milkshake!” I guess the Milk council didn’t find it to their liking.

Come on, why can’t milk be sexy!  

Sam and the boys were just too ahead of their time. They find themselves without a record contract and/or milk money. Ron’s mom quickly steps in because she’s doing a fundraiser in San Francisco; there they can shake their milk makers, and have the world fall in love with them. Samantha sets up a meeting with her ex once again using his horniness against him. Ron overhears, and we get another contrived fight teasing a split. Prudes gonna prude, I guess.

Here comes the big night and we get one of the best moments of the movie. Leatherman runs off and nervously exclaims “Leathermen don’t get nervous.” Let me tell you, we needed more of Leatherman. Record contracts, proposals, and horniness all happen. They of course sing Can’t Stop The Music.

Yay!

This movie won many Razzies including the first golden razzie for worst picture. It is not a good movie by any stretch, but holy lasagna, is it a good time! The acting is equal parts over the top and just there. Who knew the Village People would be better at singing and dancing than acting? Camp abounds. There is never really any conflicts or actual villains. Maybe the biggest flaw or head scratcher is how gayness is addressed, or rather not. The movie is pretty flamboyant, and of course the Village People are in it, but there is not a real gay character or reference in it. All in all, it’s a fun time. Grab some lasagna, a few friends and get ready for a campy, dopey movie that should make you smile. 

What to see:

Pre-transition Caitlyn Jenner in a crop top and short shorts.

Young Steve Guttenberg in TIGHT white pants.

The amazing moment of a nervous leatherman pounding the wall saying “Leathermen don’t get nervous.”

 

What to hear:

“The Indian is hot! I go for exotic types, particularly when they’re half-naked! You tell him I’ll make up for all the indignities they suffered in Roots!,” said by the prototypical horny/smutty friend. I’ll just leave that line of dialogue there for you to absorb and move on.

“Leathermen don’t get nervous.”

“You don’t know Black Irish when you see it?”

 

What we learned:

Leathermen do get nervous despite their protests.

Best way to get over quitting your low paying job: a disco roller skating through NYC montage.

To record a demo tape you need to have choreographed dance moves.

Steve Guttenberg looks REALLY impressive in tight jeans. (My wife turned to me and said “Did we just see Steve Guttenberg’s schlong?”)

If you know someone moving to the state your sister lives in, make sure they find her and bring her a cake.

In NYC, don’t help any old ladies who get hit by a guy on a moped.

Having a dentist chair in your apartment will improve the chances of sexy time but 85%

Lasagna helps you sing and dance better.

Milk can be sexy.

Skin: B+

Some half dressed Village People. A playful YMCA montage that includes hot dudes soaping up and snapping towels. Some boobage from Valerie Perrine. Opening sequence of busty roller skaters. Who can forget the star of the movie? A clear outline of Steve’s “Guttenberg?”

Monday’s Maniac: Walter Paisley

You know who doesn’t get enough love? Movie maniacs that’s who doesn’t get enough love. For some of them not getting enough love as a child is what the problem is. Okay and maybe for others it was too much love as kid. That is just the sort of statement that would probably set them off. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? Today’s Maniac is brought to you by A Bucket of Blood

Back story: Walter wants to noticed. He wants game and fortune as an artist. He doesn’t necessarily want to kill people or just sort of happens. Why not just cover them in clay?

Occupation: Busboy/sculptor

Appearance(s): 1
General target: People who: bully him, ignore him, spurn his advances, confuse him and cats who get stuck in walls.
Kills: 4
Outfit: mostly black
Weapons: Knife, pan, scarf

What a way to die: death by frozen face

You know what sucks? Dying. You know what sucks even more? Dying in some
sort of horrible or boring way. Anyone can be stabbed or shot or slip on
some ice. Knowing some maniac went out of his way to give you some silly,
outrageous or creative death should give you at least some comfort, right?

Plus, try to think of it from the killer’s perspective you try your best to
be creative and fun, but all anyone wants to do is kill you. Where’s the
justification in that? I mean you’re an artist after all. That is why we here
started ‘What a way to die.’ This week’s What a Way to Die is brought to you by
the movie Jason X

You know what’s cool? Being in the future is pretty cool. You know what else is cool? Space and being in space seems pretty cool. What isn’t cool? Having your face frozen by liquid nitrogen and then smashed to bits probably isn’t. Well actually….

 

You can help the Brigade pick what movie we watch next. The options are Night of the comet, The revenge of Doctor X and Theodore Rex. Tell us here or head over to our twitter page and take the poll.

 

 

 

Haiku Review: Krampus

Some Christmas horror.
Krampus gets time on the big screen.
Fine, but watch Gremlins.

Monday’s Maniac: Statue of Liberty head

You know who doesn’t get enough love? Movie maniacs that’s who doesn’t get enough love. For some of them not getting enough love as a child is what the problem is. Okay and maybe for others it was too much love as kid. That is just the sort of statement that would probably set them off. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? Today’s Maniac is brought to you by Sharknado 2: The Second One.

Back story: Lady Liberty loses her head—literally. Sharknadoes are wreaking havoc all over New York and now the statue of liberty’s head is on a rampage.

Occupation: National Monument
Appearance(s): 1
General target: Garbage men, guys from Shark Tank, everyone.
Kills: 2
Outfit: Copper, steel
Weapons: Herself

Monday’s Maniac: Hoax

You know who doesn’t get enough love? Movie maniacs that’s who doesn’t get enough love. For some of them not getting enough love as a child is what the problem is. Okay and maybe for others it was too much love as kid. That is just the sort of statement that would probably set them off. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? Today we bring you Hoax from 976-EVIL.

Back story: Hoax is the polar opposite of his “cool” cousin. He lives with his overbearing and way religious momma. He gets bullied at school until one day he finds a hotline to the Satan himself. Soon he’s more demon than nerdy—okay he’s still pretty nerdy. Finally he can take revenge on everyone! His name is hoax of course he was going to become a demon killer. He might also hate poker.

Occupation: High school student
Appearance(s): 1
General target: Bullies, teachers, relatives, girls who thought he was different.
Kills: 4+
Outfit: General nerd garb, sunglasses
Weapons: Demon hands, various everyday objects.